Suicide seemed like the only way out from gambling addiction
Lost in my Gambling Addiction
November 12, 2012
I awoke in the hospital and l remembering looking over and seeing my son. I thought I was dead, because I had not seen him in over three months yet we live less than five miles from each other. Earlier that week all my lies had finally caught up with me. I hated myself and no longer wanted to live. I have only one child and had no relationship with him due to my gambling addiction. If I didn’t have him, I though, I have nothing. My gambling addiction was so out of control that I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. I was on high blood pressure medications because my blood pressure was so high due to the stress. I was lying, cheating stealing, whatever I could do to get the money to go and gamble and it was all coming to an end. I could not take the pressure of my actions. I had been found out by friends. My shame was so great. I needed an escape and I thought dying was the best solution.
I came home from my counseling appointment that day and decided I couldn’t do this anymore. I had no control over my gambling addiction. I wrote letters to my son and a few friends apologizing for my actions over the past few years. I remember thinking my son deserved a better mother than me. I thought he had a great wife and two beautiful children and he would be all right without me. I had hurt so many people in my life, some that do not even know yet about my addiction. I remember thinking before I closed my eyes on that day, after taking 110 pills that I was scared and I didn’t want to die. I thought it was too late. I had taken all those pills and I was going to die. I didn’t even get to tell my son I loved him, only through a letter. Well as I closed my eyes I felt I was finally going to get some peace, something I had not had in my life in a long time.
I looked over and there was my son, I had died. I had to be heaven since that would be the only way I would ever see him again. I fell back to sleep and woke a day later. When I finally awoke the doctor asked me what day it was and I didn’t know. I could tell I was in a hospital but not which hospital. I knew I had survived. I do not know how, but I did. There is a reason why God let me live. To tell my story.
After coming home from the hospital and resting for a few days. I decided I was going to take recovery seriously this time. I was going to fight this disease with everything I had in me. I was going to reach out to the people out there who could help me, like my GA members, friends who would understand, and my son.
I survived. It has not been an easy road, but it has been well worth it. I am getting better ever day. I have met people I would have never met had I not reached my lowest point. I am grateful to not be gambling. I am grateful to be ALIVE!