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Lanie's Hope

Gambling Addiction Suicide

Suicide, attempted suicide and suicidal ideation  is common among compulsive gamblers. By the time the devastation of the disease reaches the tipping point in a pathological gambler’s life they face grave financial problems, their families and relationships are in ruin, self-esteem has been decimated and a sense of helplessness and hopelessness is pervasive. Generally, by the time an addicted gambler “reaches bottom,”  every aspect of their life has been destroyed.  Suicide is all too common in those afflicted with the disease of compulsive gambling.


I would argue that the “bottom” for a compulsive gambler is much lower than that of other addicts. Why? Compulsive gambling does not physically impair the addict. We don’t fall down, slur our words, pass out or exhibit other outwardly visible warning signs.  Our livers don’t give out and our kidneys don’t fail. Compulsive gamblers stop gambling when our resources run out.  Period.  There are no more stashes of cash, no more credit card cash advances to be had, no more loans from friends and family and no household funds  to reallocate to feed our addiction. By the time a compulsive gambler reaches bottom they have several choices; reach out for help through Gambler’s Anonymous, faith-based groups and therapy, face a life of desperation on government subsidies or on the streets and,  all too often,addicted gamblers see suicide as the only way out.

I frequently hear from mental health practitioners that problem gamblers have the highest suicide of any addicted group. I believe this to be more an anecdotal statement than a quantifiable one, for several reasons. 1) The body of scientific study on compulsive gambling is quite limited. 2) Most studies that do exist are funded by gaming industry-related entities thus  there exists at least the possibility of bias in studies or at the very least funding can be targeted to studies that don’t encompass studies as offensive as suicide rates and 3) Most gambling-related deaths don’t indicate “pathological gambling” on the death certificate as the cause of death. A drug overdose, a car crashing into a brick wall would not necessarily be listed as a suicide. A self-inflicted firearms incident would of course be labeled a suicide, but the likelihood of an indication of a  “gambling related suicide” as the cause of death is highly improbable.

From an “in the trenches view”  I can tell you that my experience is that suicidal thoughts are commonplace.  Last year, while sitting in a break room at a Gamblers Anonymous convention,  the conversation turned to suicide. Quite candidly five of us discussed whether or not we had attempted or considered suicide. THREE out of FIVE said they had! And..frankly…we weren’t freaked out about this. We could have been talking about a recent news story or a movie we’d all seen. Suicide and discussion of suicide is common in our groups.  Gamblers anonymous includes the question “Have you ever attempted or considered self-destruction as a result of your gambling?” as one of the screening questions for Compulsive Gambling diagnosis.  I would venture to guess that at any GA meeting, 40% of the room would answer YES to this question.

My sister Lanie died as a result of an overdose of Paxil  due to her secret and devastating gambling addiction. Do I believe it was a suicide? In my heart of hearts …No. I think she was sad, depressed, ashamed and simply didn’t want to feel the emotional pain and heartache her addiction had caused. Lanie’s death certificate reads “cerebral hemorrhage.” There is no mention of  a gambling addiction in relation to the overdose and resultant Seretonin Syndrome and stroke that ultimately ended her life.

And here’s the REAL tragedy – pathological gamblers who DO seek treatment for suicidal ideation RARELY covered by medical insurance. I have first hand experience of this and similar stories are common within the rooms of Gamblers Anonymous.  I once assisted in admitting a suicidal gambler  to a local hospital for observation  and mental health care. We were clearly informed by the hospital admissions representative that their insurance would have covered the hospitalization if they were an alcoholic or a drug addict with the same self-destructive thoughts.  The admitting clerk’s words echo in my head to this day, “Any drug or alcohol problems? No? That’s too bad Hon’! Your insurance covers that!”

If you or someone you love has a gambling problem, please reach out for help!  Life gets so much better!  You can experience a gambling-free and happy life!  Help is available 24/7 at  the  National Hotline  1-800-522-4700.


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  1. bhnMarch 30, 2013 at 9:53 pmReply

    Gambling destroyed my life, I hate myself and cannot think how I will make it through this night without killing myself. I despise myself and I deserve to die a slow and tortuous death. I do not deserve my life anymore.

    I have tried everything with gambling and always relapse, my life is over I just need to finalize the ending.

    I am sorry to my family but you are better off without me. Please forgive me, I am a waste of life.

    • JezebelJune 6, 2015 at 1:14 amReply

      I am right there with you. It’s baffles me how I can continually make poor decisions and fall victim to the allure of gambling. I feel the time is drawing near for me to part with this miserable existence. Perhaps in another life I will do better.

      • Frank ImbergamoAugust 28, 2022 at 11:26 amReply

        I agree I destroyed everything in the last; 4 years I had over 200 000in savings ad good credit
        Today I have 6 dollars in my bank account I have lied to people I love I lie to myself
        I don’t u dersrand how I can sit down at table to gsmble with my last remaining bit of money I am disgusted by myself
        I won over 60000 dollars on a few big wins and I gave it back within 6 weeks you can’t win
        I am trying to fight back and survive but I hate myself and I have so much debt I can’t pay I don’t know what will happen
        My credit is destroyed for at least the next 5 years this is a nightmare worse than anything I could ever imagine

    • Steve, a fatherAugust 11, 2015 at 10:27 amReply

      I’ve hit rock bottom. Years of compulsive gambling. I am devastated.

      • Karen LeeAugust 12, 2015 at 2:51 pmReply

        Thank you, Steve for your letter. If you are in the United States, I would highly encourage you to check out treatment and 12-step programs available in your area. Most states offer free or very reasonable treatment for the gambler and their families. I can speak from personal experience that I was once helpless and without hope until I walked into a GA meeting over 13 years ago. That meeting changed my life for the better, brought new friends who cared and provided support and helped me to change the way I think and live each day. If you need resource information, I have included the number of the National Council of Problem Gambling’s 24-hour help line at 1-800-522-4700.
        Additionally, you can check the website at gamblersanonymous.org for meeting information in your area. If you feel that you are in danger of harming yourself, then I would strongly advise you to contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8225 for immediate assistance. No matter how bad you think things are, suicide is a ‘permanent solution’ to a ‘temporary problem’.

        • MAAugust 16, 2020 at 11:42 amReply

          My sister is one. She went to jail for embezzling a lot of money. But she did get treatment at jail. Nevada apparently has a good program. Anyway. She got married, works and apparently is doing well. I will never trust her though. Sorry but it’s born of her behavior for so many years. I wish u luck

    • ShelleySeptember 12, 2016 at 5:28 amReply

      I know how desperate you are feeling right now as I am in the exact same mindset. I have finaly admitted to myself that I need to get help for my addiction to online gambling, and this is due to the fact that it has dragged me to the lowest point in my life.

      I can’t sleep or eat, I feel physically sick all the time, and I cannot look my loved ones in the eye. How do you explain to them that you are a sad liar who will do anything to find a way to gamble away money that isn’t even yours? I don’t know how to start that coversation, especially given the fact I have lied to them time and time again when they ask ‘Have you been leaving those slots alone?”

      So I now find myself about to lose my car, I am behind with my rent, and I cannot live this half life anymore, all because I am convinced that one day I might win big and then I can make all of my problems go away. How bloody stupid of me!!!

      And the sad thing is that I am old enough and wise enough to know better. I have a beautiful new granddaughter, 4 amazing grown up children and a partner who loves me deeply. So why have I taken such a bad turn in life? I just cannot work it out, 5 years of my life wasted on these poxy gaming sites.

      I just do not know how I am ever going to put this right, I just do not know where to start.

      • libbyDecember 24, 2016 at 6:07 amReply

        Shelley, speak to your loved ones. Their response will surprise you. My partner of 17 years had a gambling habit, he hid it from all of us. The police were waiting for me as I arrived home from work, he had been in a road traffic accident and was killed. In the days and weeks afterwards, the phone rang and letters arrived from debt companies. We would do anything to have him back, its only money. We would have found a way. The situation we are now in is horrendous Our minds never stop and our hearts feel we have let him down. Did we ever really know him if we were unaware of his daily struggles? Please, speak to someone, share this burden and find a way. Do not leave your family behind with this legacy. They will not be better off without you. Believe me. I will live with this outcome for the rest of my life. Ending it will not stop the pain, just pass it on to everyone in your life, for the rest of theirs.

        • Bea AikensJanuary 5, 2017 at 3:36 pmReplyAuthor

          I am so sorry to hear of your partner’s death:( Far too many suicides occur as a result of gambling addiction! In fact, we get more “web-hits” on this topic than any other. I wish that wasn’t the case! I long for the day when treatment and awareness are such that there is no longer shame associated with a gambling addiction and people who need help SEEK IT! Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry. I pray for you and your family. You are brave to speak out. We CAN make a difference by sharing our shared stories and struggles. God Bless you! Bea

        • KAJanuary 20, 2017 at 2:59 amReply

          I am a mother of five and married for 24 years , I was able to live with my gambling addiction for about 14 years . I have stopped on and off I am at a point of my life that for months can not shake the thought of just doing my family a favor and relief the stress of watching me waist away every time I loose everything. I lost my job , due to my gambling , I have no friends because I keep to my self and destroyed my marriage little by little. I can honestly say that I feel hopeless to this lack of self control. I see only pain in my family because of it and have tried to stop and not achieve this goal. I keep my self glued to the tv , just so I stoop thinking about killings my self , but as soon as I stop that thought is there . My kids are now in denial of what is going on and my husband can deal with it anymore he just stopped talking and we just don’t exist anymore. Is hard , I don’t even want to eat, can not sleep . I feel that it might be better for everyone not to have to deal with my ups and downs. I guess I am just a coward can’t move forward and at the same time can’t stop. I feel guilty and sad. Even getting help is hard since I just can not bring my self to talk Or look for help. I hope I can somehow figure something before I get the strength to just finish what I start and be done with it.

          • Bea AikensJanuary 20, 2017 at 2:30 pmAuthor

            Dearest Karla,
            I have felt exactly as you do. It’s an awful feeling and a lonely place to be. Please, please…make yourself pick up the phone and speak to a professional. It really DOES get better! So much better! But you’ve got to reach out for help. I promise you that life will get better if you get help for your gambling addiction. This is a very real mental health disorder. You are not weak, nor are your worthless. You have an illness that can be arrested. Please, if you are thinking of suicide, CALL the SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255. For 24 hour HELP with GAMBLING ADDICTION,call 1-800-522-4700

        • KateApril 11, 2018 at 6:57 pmReply

          Hi Libby,
          I have come across your story. My husband attempted suicide. He ran in front of a truck, I was originally told by Police he had passed away. Then they found a pulse, whilst in ICU I was told 2 more times he was not going to survive. I couldn’t understand I thought we were happy. Then all the debt started to roll in, my friend is a local Police officer and found out he had been sacked through utilising his corporate card for gambling. Whilst 5 months later he is still in hospital, I am left picking up the pieces, and just can not understand how he could do this to us. I am just so conflicted and confused. Your words resonate with me, ‘its only money’. I am the furthest thing from materialistic, I wouldn’t care if we all had to pile into a caravan and sell the house as long as we had each other. I can not tell anyone about the debt as I do not want people to judge him.

      • LeslieMarch 16, 2018 at 5:58 pmReply

        Shelly. Can you tell me how you are now? I’m feeling desperate and don’t know

    • SophieNovember 6, 2017 at 4:21 amReply

      I am in the same dark place. I am ashamed of all the pain and suffering that gambling has caused my loved ones

    • Muhammad AhmedFebruary 13, 2018 at 10:28 amReply

      Hey Bhn. I know it been a few years since you left that comment. Id love to know you’re doing now? Did you over come this?

    • Yvonne HajarNovember 29, 2019 at 5:03 amReply

      I feel Exactly the same way right now. I don’t have two pennies to rub together my daughter’s birthday is next week my electricity is going to be turned off today I won’t be able to pay my rent this month and Christmas is at the end of the month

  2. Bea AikensApril 10, 2013 at 8:15 pmReplyAuthor

    This poignant message was not a hoax. This was a very real cry for help. I am not trained in handling such a situation, yet I received this on Easter Sunday..with no phone number…no means of communicating other than by email, so I reached out in the only way possible. Sometimes we just need to know we are not alone.

    Thank the Lord this individual replied, got help and has touched base several times to give a progress report on recovery. Intensive treatment and a mutual aid group are helping. One day at a time.

  3. MichaelOctober 15, 2013 at 6:42 pmReply

    I have same problem as above. Life is ruined. No hope. Need help.

    • Bea AikensOctober 16, 2013 at 1:21 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Michael,
      There are resources available on this site and in your community to HELP you! I understand that feeling that your “life is ruined.” I once felt that way as well…lost…hopeless..afraid and ashamed. Please know that I understand as do many others in recovery from the disease of compulsive gambling. The fact that you said “Need help” tells me all is not lost and you are reaching out! That’s awesome! Please contact a recovery program like Gamblers Anonymous in your area. HELP is available and it won’t always feel this way..if you pick up the phone. Blessings to you Michael and please keep us posted.

  4. BazOctober 26, 2013 at 6:46 amReply

    I too am wondering how and if I’ll ever break free of this disease. Another $3,000 wasted, another supermarket trip looking for cheaper goods tomorrow. It hurts so much.

    • Bea AikensNovember 4, 2013 at 8:49 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Baz,
      Help is available…if you truly are a compulsive gambler, you can’t go it alone. The American Psychiatric Association recognizes “Disordered Gambling” as a disease requiring treatment. Please reach out to one of the resources on this site, or call the 24-Hour HelpLine at 1-800-522-4700.

  5. ThomasJanuary 5, 2015 at 3:56 pmReply

    I am in the same situation. Hurt everyone I care about and feel like there is no turning back. I owe people over $15000 with no way of paying them back. Can’t file bankruptcy because I owe people and not credit cards. No where to turn to and these people want there money. What else can I do? I feel there is no way out. I’m sorry for being a waste of space.

    • ThomasJanuary 5, 2015 at 3:59 pmReply

      Even if I find the strength to keep going these people I owe Are not as forgiving. Stuck in a terrible situation.

      • Bea AikensJanuary 26, 2015 at 1:27 pmReplyAuthor

        Dear Thomas,
        We do hurt people in our addiction…and the person we hurt the most is ourselves! I know that it can be difficult to see any hope …yet I know first hand that there IS Hope and Life gets better. Please, please, don’t give up on life. Get help. Therapy is available. 12-Step programs are available. There is a 24-hour helpline at 1-800 522-4700 and the Suicide Prevention Hotline is 800-273-8255.
        Never, never give up on yourself or on life. Compulsive gambling is a disease…an addiction that makes us do things we never imagined we would do. But it gets better. With help. With time. Please stick around for the miracles.
        Your life matters and I am praying for you!

  6. JenniferApril 13, 2015 at 9:06 amReply

    I feel worthless because of my gambling, I’ve pushed just about everyone away from me, I hardly see my children. I think they have given up on me. I just don’t see the point of going on anymore.

    • Bea AikensApril 17, 2015 at 4:26 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Jennifer,
      People often say “I understand” or “I know what you’re going through” …and we think… “No. You don’t.”
      In this case…I do. The specifics of our life circumstances may differ, but the impact of a gambling addiction is the same. I have felt shame, pain, fear, helplessness and self-loathing as a result of my past gambling behavior. I know many others who have experienced those same feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and sadly, I know many who have considered self-destruction as a result of their gambling. Thank the Lord they TOLD someone and got help!
      By posting this on line, you have just “Told Someone” how you’re feeling. Good for you Jennifer! It’s a first step. It may not feel like a “big” step…yet it is. You’ve reached out. I encourage you to take the next right step and seek help for your gambling addiction.
      You’ve mentioned that you’ve pushed away “just about” everyone. Does “just about” mean there’s still “someone” you can call? If they know you and care about you, your gambling addiction won’t be any surprise to them. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a big step to let another human being see us as we really are.
      And Jennifer, if you feel there’s not “someone”, let me assure you that there are thousands of people in recovery groups around the country who WILL understand, who have been where you are and who will talk with you and be there for you. I have experienced this remarkable healing of just sharing my truth with another human being and being amazed that they didn’t turn and run! That’s the beauty and strength of recovery groups. We get it.
      I urge you to call the 24-hour Gamblers Helpline at 1-800-522-4700.
      Please know that your life matters. It can and will get better. One Day At a Time!
      Please let me know how you’re doing.
      God Bless you,

  7. Mike PApril 20, 2015 at 10:09 amReply

    I, too, am a compulsive gambler who has reached the “end of the road”. Even before “gambling” ever became the problem it is, I have always felt on the outside of life looking in, a social misfit more by choice and, I suppose, low self-esteem. And yes, before gambling became a problem, I drank, but nothing close to my gambling excesses. I owe more money that I could ever pay back in a lifetime and would not even think of asking for help from anyone because it wouldn’t be forthcoming and because they are not responsible for my debts. I seem to gamble in such a way and to such a degree that self-destruction is eventually the only way out. At 60 years of age, relative to every single member of my family, immediate and extended, I have NOTHING, both financially, emotionally and spiritually. I work, of course, but my focus has been declining for a couple of years now. My mother took me in many years ago after I ended up on the streets of Toronto. She died in November of 2013, and since then I have a rather strong desire to be with her, even if it only to have my remains together with hers. She accepted me with my less than stellar character and loved me anyway. As I write this, I am thinking about the best way to “go”, and sadly, the effect it will have on my sister who loves me dearly. But it isn’t enough. I dwell on what never was or ever will be, meaning all those “moments” in life that keeps one warm at night. I never wanted to be rich or famous, just to have a chance at the same opportunity for happiness that everyone else seems to have had. I’m not fool enough to believe that they haven’t know hardships and setbacks, but they all seem to possess a character that I don’t have. I know that no amount of “winnings” could ever help change my fundamental nature,, just as I know when I go out to gamble with money that I can’t afford to lose that the consequences will be dire, but I don’t seem to care. As I said, I think the ultimate goal of this compulsive gambler has always BEEN self-destruction, and in the end, it may be the only goal in my life that I actually achieve. I am very ready, it is just a question of finding the courage to take the next step! Soon, tomorrow or the next day at the latest. Peace at last! There was a movie on some months ago, actually a play made into a move called, “Night Mother”, about a woman who has simply had enough and knows that things aren’t going to get better. In it, she makes a comment to the effect that she knows, I guess we all know, where the bus is going and has simply decided to get off early (I don’t think I have stated the exact context of her argument correctly). This is how I feel. At age 60, why struggle on to 65 or older. The difference between her and I of course, is that she has her “affairs In order”, while mine are an absolute mess. Well, death will sort some of it out. I’m not sure why I writing this other than perhaps an electronic version of “Izzy was here”. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to a weapon but I hope that won’t prove to be too much of an impediment. Goodbye!

    • Karen LeeApril 21, 2015 at 7:28 amReply

      Dear Mike- We thank you for taking the time to write to Lanie’s Hope and tell us what’s going on with you. You’ve had a lot of loss and disappointment and yet, I write to tell you that there is hope and help. As a person in long-time recovery (over 13 years) I came in to Gamblers Anonymous empty, defeated, alone, and without hope. I thought I was coming to GA to help stop gambling and instead, found a whole bunch of people like me and for the first time, felt I belonged. Yes, there are still times (although rare) that I feel alone or sad and just wonder ‘What’s the point?’ and then, I take a hotline call or go to a meeting and meet someone who has many more challenges and I feel valued in being able to share my experience, strength, and hope with them. Please don’t give up and don’t feel as if you have to do this alone. I would strongly encourage you to seek help, whether through an addiction specialist dealing with gambling and/or your local chapter of Gamblers Anonymous. As it’s been said before ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.’ Please reach out for help in your area and find others who’ve found recovery and a new way of life.

    • MaryMay 3, 2015 at 12:42 amReply

      Are you okay. Idk for sure, but my brother took his life Thursday am. I am his sister. There are no words at how heartbroken I am. His friends are devastated.
      I am guessing this was the reason. I am not positive, but things you wrote, are him to a t . Pls. Respond .

      • Bea AikensMay 5, 2015 at 5:41 amReplyAuthor

        Dear Mary,
        My heart broker for you as we spoke yesterday of the loss of your dear brother “Arch.” I pray that you took the time for yourself without worry of social norms and explaining over and over again the nature of your loss. I know this is painful and exhausting. Right now it’s time to focus on you and your dear 85 year old mother. Please, when the time is right, join a support group. There are far to many of us who have been impacted by suicide – only to be left with questions. The “whys” and “what ifs” can take up residence in our hearts and heads. The people in support groups will understand what your feeling. They will provide a space for you to cry, yell, be silent, or simply FEEL. I won’t give you platitudes like “time heals all wounds.” The wound is there. It’s real and it (YOU) deserve to be acknowledged and heard.
        Thank you, for, in this moment of your extreme sadness and loss, you have reached out to Mike P to encourage him with a simple “Are you OK?” Perhaps in some way, knowing the pain and sorrow left behind will serve as a reminder to Mike and anyone struggling with a gambling addiction that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may not feel that way as one stares the debris of a gambling addiction in the face, but there are real solutions for long-term recovery. It starts with the first step.
        Talk to someone. Call the Gamblers Anonymous hotline, Call the suicide prevention hotline, REACH OUT. Help and hope is available for you Mike, and for anyone who feels hopeless against their gambling addiction.
        For dear Arch, and for Lanie, it is to late to choose a different outcome. Please, please…talk to someone and choose a better tomorrow.
        Thank you for reaching out Mary.
        God Bless you,

      • AudraJune 7, 2016 at 3:39 pmReply

        Hi Mary My brother took his life 2/23/16. I found bank statements of $2000 a day withdrawal from bank account EVERYDAY with a few days break in between in 2015. He spent our moms social security $ for her nursing home in 2013-2014. I thought he had quit in 2014 after that. He paid me back all the money he took from her bank account. I didn’t realize this could be the cause of suicide! I to am traumatized finding his body after they shut off his water then power. He lived on a boat. He stopped leaving his bedroom of the boat with no job and no $. He never asked for help.

    • MichelleApril 30, 2017 at 3:30 pmReply

      Mike p are you still there. I feel the same as you. I am hopeless , past desperate. I’ve let everyone down and they don’t even know it yet. It will probably come to a head in the next month and the waiting is killing me. I have made a note, which scares me that this actually might happen. I am scared. I am very scared

      • MikeApril 23, 2018 at 9:25 pmReply


        I don’t know if you will ever see this, maybe you’re not checking the site anymore. I hope it worked out OK for you. I’m feeling exactly as you were- scared. I haven’t written a not, but mentally I have prepared. A friend of mine killed himself over poor career choices/finances several years ago and I didn’t understand, but I do now. It’s a panic, having not only wasted all my money, but 41 years old and having wasted years living like this. Not sure how to go on. There are some things I feel OK about, I’ve tried to treat others with kindness even while hurting myself, but it all feels like a waste.

  8. [email protected]May 3, 2015 at 11:32 amReply

    As the parent of a pathological gambler I say to all of you who are suffering please don’t give up. Seek help through GA. For family and those who love you Gam-Anon can be the answer to understanding what you are going through, also sharing information on how not be an enabler. True forgiveness does not come easily and is an ongoing process for all involved. GA and Gam-Anon saved our family. It is truly one day at a time. On the days that we thought we all couldn’t go on it was one hour at a time. Our son is married and able to work a job. He is loved and cherished by his family. It is challenging for him to live with what this disease has done to all of us. He has moments of deep sadness and regret. He keeps moving forward as he works his program and we his family work ours. Please seek out help and never give up.

  9. RobertMay 3, 2015 at 8:07 pmReply

    I stumbled upon this site at a rather appropriate time. I never really knew many, if any people like myself. It’s comforting to know there are others who have fallen victim to the wicked compulsion/addiction known as gambling. It’s not a form of entertainment for me. Legalized theft is what it has become for me and that’s exactly what it feels like when it’s all over. My compulsive behavior became less financially devastating when I figured out a way to lock up gambling winnings onto prepaid gift cards that “cannot be redeemed for cash.” I found that (by some miracle) when I won several hundred gambling, part of the high was leaving the casino with the winnings. Well, every single time I returned hours or day’s later only to hand my winnings right back. The gift card method allowed me to lock up my winnings ASAP. Recently I figured out a way to turn each card into cash instantly for only a $3 fee. Thus, I lost $2,000 in two trips to the casino. It was a terrible losing streak. I couldn’t win more than $100 to save my life. I don’t know what to do to protect my money now. I guess I must learn self-control. Its just so hard to win these days. $300 is lit on fire in 20 minutes betting 1.20-2.00/spin. I don’t like to bet lower than that because it’s nearly impossible to win anything sizable. I don’t have a job right now and I know once I get one I will be working for free. The thought of gambling, the anticipation of knowing I will have money and be able to gamble soon is so therapeutic for me. It takes away all of my worries, stress, aches or pains. The anticipation is better than the result, which is nearly always losing and feeling miserable. I have $0 now and there is no more money coming in. All I feel now is sad, hopeless, worthless. Without any money to my name, I feel like I’m not even part of the human experience. I’m like an animal. I can’t believe the casinos can get away with being so unfair. I’ve lost tens of thousands and the most I ever won was $1,000 and that was 1 time only. The casino I frequent has almost all its video-reel slots with a goofy cartoon theme. It has an affordable hotel and bowling and movies. Lots of families stay there and kids are always being paraded through the casino. Perhaps they are trying to display these silly cartoon themed slots to get kids interested in gambling. It seems so wrong. These are the types of games I always play though. Why does a thoroughly adult form of entertainment use childish characters and imagery constantly? Sorry to get off topic. I’m here for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to share these wretched experiences with.

    • Karen LeeMay 4, 2015 at 2:06 pmReply

      Dear Robert-
      We’re glad that you found our website and hope that you will read through our various pages and posts to know that there is hope and help for the compulsive gambler. I admire you’re willingness to look for solutions to not having to handle money (and with time away from the bet and some recovery, you may eventually get comfortable with handling your finances) and would recommend a family member or a trusted friend to help. The one thing I know for certain after years away from the bet is that I don’t blame the casinos for their enticing ads and gimmicks to come to the casino. I live in Las Vegas and am blessed that all of my recovery was found here and that we have one of the biggest GA chapters here in the country. I not only found peace and serenity away from the insanity of the bet, but found many people and true friendships in these 12-step rooms. I found that getting involved, giving back service, and staying connected with several meetings a week have blessed me with the removal of the obsession to bet. It would be easy enough to look to the casinos as the culprit and it would be much like an alcoholic as blaming the bars, the grocery and liquor stores for selling alcohol, and the liquor/beer companies from promoting sporting events. I have come to realize that although many people can gamble ‘normally’, I’m not one of them. I do hope that you will reach out for additional help (depending where you’re at in the country, free treatment) to the national hotline number for compulsive gamblers at 1-888-LAST-BET or 1-888-222-5542 for information and meeting location for a 12-step meeting near you. Please know that life does not have to be the way you described and all that I sought from the bet, I have gotten back so much more and glad that I didn’t follow through with my desire to die.

  10. Belinda l.May 4, 2015 at 1:00 pmReply

    Dear Jennifer- when we made decisions based on our emotions we usually think of the worst one. All of us are not worthless. We just feel that way after a devastating action that we know is wrong. This feeling usually occur when we are in our lowest. No self esteem. Hopeless etc. There lots of help available but you have to be willing to use it. Material things can be replaced, but not a person’s life. Killing our self is not the answer; talk to someone and it will help you a lot.

  11. MarshallMay 14, 2015 at 12:03 amReply

    I came across this site looking for ways to painlessly commit suicide. I don’t necessarily want to commit suicide per-say but I feel like I would be better off. The only reasons preventing me from committing suicide is because of my family, friends and being Catholic it is said that you would go to hell for committing such as act. If it wasn’t for that I probably would have done it already – plus I can’t find an appropriate outlet for it.

    I’m 29 years old and I’m finally about to graduate college. I thought I had life figured out multiple times and had my future mapped out. Now I’m in a trap and I’ve lost all hope, ambition and a vision for my future. I no longer know what I want to do and things I used to enjoy I don’t enjoy anymore because I’m so miserable. I’m lost. I used to be an honors student and I’ve owned two businesses for over five years – I have no more energy and I’m beaten down.

    I live 15 minutes away from the casino. I work in the casino for a corporate restaurant inside of the casino but I do not work for the casino itself, therefore; I can gamble.

    99% of the time after my 6 hour or so shift I walk out of the restaurant and gamble all of my money away (literally right after I clock-out I start to gamble.) I even gamble money that is not mine, on credit or wherever I can get it in order to chase the money I have lost from the nights before. I can’t stop, literally, I make a bee-line for the slots immediately after my shift. I used to play on tables but it wasn’t fast paced enough for me – I’m a high roller. I get all of these incentives that encourage me to gamble more or free perks for gambling.

    I never do anything fun. I just work all night gamble and do it again. I cannot be any more depressed. I have the best parents in the world and I don’t even talk to them because I’m so ashamed. I’m about 20-30k in debt and I don’t see a way out. I wish someone could just buy my life back so I’m at zero again and I can sign myself out of both casinos for life and quit my high paying job and get a real career with my education. I’m so screwed. I cry almost every night on my way home from work. I keep a dark house and lay in bed all day and night because my body is full of depression. I don’t want to spend any extra money on food or excessive driving because I don’t have it so I save my energy and money by not doing anything at all. I can’t live like this anymore.

    I was admitted to the hospital by my parents and attended an intensive out-patient program for six weeks. I didn’t gamble for over 30 days the longest I’ve ever gone without gambling. I started to relapse once my body got used to the medication “naltrexone” but when it did work it was like an “off” switch for gambling – absolutely amazing no urge nothing – I could even sit in front of a machine and laugh at how stupid I was for ever gambling in the first place.

    Presently, I’m back to square 1 nothing is working, I am past the point of recovering from my losses and I have seriously jeopardized my future. I don’t know what to do. I can’t quit the job money is too good and I’m too far in debt. I need to quit gambling. I can’t beat the overpowering urge. The depression is getting to be unmanageable.

    After I lose all of my hard earned money from a night’s work, I drive home ashamed, angry, embarrassed, regretful, hopeless, depressed and I often cry or scream in the car the whole way home. I then struggle to put gas in my car and to put food into my stomach (I use points for both food and gas and literally have no money) I don’t want to eat because I’m so depressed I have no appetite. I make fantastic money at my job and I’m a top employee but I literally have nothing to show for it. Over the past two and a half years I have blown an easy 100k. My utilities are about to get shut-off, my fridge is empty, my clothes are shot and I’m so far in debt it will take me easily a year or so just to be caught up.

    • Bea AikensMay 14, 2015 at 10:37 amReplyAuthor

      Dear Marshall,
      Your email touched my heart so much that I could have cried when I read it. My heart hurts for you for many reasons. First and foremost you are questioning the value of your own life and your desperation came through loud and clear. Also, it is so Relatable to me. I once felt this despair as well and I know many, many people in recovery from gambling addiction who have expressed different versions of the exact same story. You are in the grip of the progressive illness and it can be a vicious cycle.

      I too hit the steering wheel of my car many nights as I drove home from a casino. I too felt hopeless and helpless and ashamed. And then, for me the ONLY hope was to finally say “I cannot do this any more”…I had relapsed like you did when you had 30 days without a bet. I get it that it’s even MORE shameful because the people who love us have helped us and they think we’re doing OK when we’re not. We’re living a lie and it eats us up. I really and truly get it Marshall and I promise you that it can and does get better …if you get help.

      I am not a clinician or a medical expert, so understand that I am speaking to you as just another person like yourself who suffers with a mental health condition recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as an addictive disorder requiring treatment. I often say, “If I had diabetes I wouldn’t be ashamed. If I had cancer I wouldn’t be ashamed.” I WOULD be responsible for taking my insulin or getting chemo treatments or doing whatever I could to live a healthy life.
      There are consequences of our actions committed as a result of the addiction, and yes they can be overwhelming, but I think you know by now that continuing to gamble and “chase” is not the answer.

      When I was finally done, defeated, and out of options, I had two choices – kill myself or get help. Thank God I got help! Today I am SO grateful that I no longer have to live that way. And I know many many people who have had the same experience. Yes it is scary and painful to “get honest” with those we love, but it’s the only way to get to the other side of this addiction. The isolation and shame is awful, and once you take the steps toward recovery life gets better.

      The National Council on Problem Gambling offers a free 24-hour help line at 1-800-522-4700. Gamblers Anonymous also has hotlines and meeting lists for the entire county available on their website. Gamblers Anonymous is an excellent program of mutual aid and they offer a process called “Pressure Relief” which helps you navigate the financial aspects, while you get to meet others who once felt just like you do who will understand and offer their experience, strength and hope. Many states offer free or low cost Intensive Outpatient Programs and there are specially trained Certified Problem Gambling Counselors throughout the country specializing in this disease. And finally, there are a few gambling specific residential treatment programs.
      Please get help Marshall. And, if you ever have a feeling that life is not worth living and you consider suicide…remember reading this and stop yourself. Instead, remember that help is a phone call away. Pick up the phone and dial the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255.
      You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  12. Debbie LarsonMay 15, 2015 at 4:45 amReply

    All that I can say today is that just knowing that I am not the only person that is feeling these feelings and thoughts is temporarily comforting. I will try to keep going and work through this pain and hopeless feeling.

    • Bea AikensJune 6, 2015 at 11:48 amReplyAuthor

      How are you doing Debbie? Although I am always saddened when I read of people’s despair as a result of gambling addiction, I’m glad that in some way you know that you’re not alone as others have felt what you felt.
      It’s been over two weeks since your last post. Hopefully you are doing something good for yourself to arrest your addiction to gambling. Group Support meetings like Gamblers Anonymous and counseling help. So does sharing with others who understand:)

      • NikkiMay 4, 2016 at 8:15 pmReply

        My mother is Debbie Larson. She commited suicide on May 25, 2015. This has been a horrible life changing experience for her entire family. I don’t think the pain will ever go away.

  13. AlexJune 20, 2015 at 2:02 amReply

    I came here thinking about suicide.. Never thought I’d ever be in the position I am now. I have been very successful in everything I do in life but gambling has been my downturn and the only thing keeping me from reaching my goal. Somehow in the back of my mind I like to think gambling is a shortcut to where I need to be to be happy or satisfied. Sitting here writing this I think to myself what is the point anymore! Hopeless, lost and anything else you want to through in there. I’m only 29, I’m sure this is not how any 29 year old would think. I want to be happy again, enjoy the things I use to enjoy. It is the first time my family have all gone on holiday together. My sister left me hers cards because she didn’t need then all. I told her she should hide them as I didn’t know because I don’t trust my self after this week. Having lost all my salary plus selling my shares this month I had a huge pay day this month and hit the casino at midnight and drew cash the minute I got paid. Did really week the first hour and was up couple of thousand. My friend was with me, I had brought him along because I had banned my self from that casino previously having lost loads there before so I wouldn’t have been able to cash the winnings my self. I had only the money I needed that month plus more to pay off few debts and enjoy my self a little. Walk out to leave but my friend wanted to carry on playing. He lost all his money and I ended up giving him more money to play with.. Watching him play made me want more. Before I knew it I was drawing money from my account because I had lost all my winnings. With in an hour all was gone and I was back to square one!! Two weeks have passed and now I sit here with my sisters card in my wallet losing all her money in her account with her mortgage money, having sold everything I had an losing that as well. I don’t know what to say to my family when they are back. I don’t think I can face them!! What do I do?

    • TommyJune 22, 2015 at 10:10 pmReply

      Hi Alex. My name is Tommy. Sounds to me like you’ve already realized the first step in recovery, admitting powerlessness and recognizing your unmanageable life. I’m a compulsive gambler in recovery. I attend GA meetings. And in those meetings, I hear your story, over and over, often from my own lips. In our disease, and that’s what gambling addiction is, we often hurt and betray the ones we love. Many of us have caused irreparable damage. I believe that some amends need time. Ending your life may seem like the only alternative at the moment. But think that thing through. You mentioned your sister, and family. Imagine what they deal with if you went through with it. Imagine the pain they will feel. Your sister would no doubt be devastated, knowing that part of your reasoning was because you couldn’t face her, knowing how upset she would be that you lost her house payment. You didn’t mention children or girlfriend. But your parents? What about them? You’re so young Alex. And you mentioned having been mostly successful in your short life. Gambling addicts suffer worst. And suicide, prison, or insanity is where we end up, without recovery. Please postpone any decisions on your immediate future for the moment. Find a gambler anonymous 12 step meeting immediately. Call Gamblers Anonymous. Talk with someone in GA about what you’re going through. Pour your heart out. Let GA guide you now. Your sister might be pissed. Your family, your friends, even your employer might be disappointed and hurt. But you have already taken the most important step. You recognize that you have a very serious problem, and you’ve reached out for help. You are not alone. Don’t give dying another thought for now. Get to a meeting, talk with folks in GA, and breathe. It looks bad, maybe hopeless. But I’ve been where you are. A few times. Suicide would just be the last worst choice you make. Don’t do that to your sister. Call GA. You Alex, are why Gamblers Anonymous exists. 855-222-5542

  14. Ara HJune 22, 2015 at 10:12 pmReply

    Thank you for reaching out Alex, My name is Ara and I live in Burbank, Ca…i also am a problem gambler, I completely understand your situation, I have also taken money from my parents, employer, etc to gamble in Las Vegas, this disease is very strong and it makes you think you are ok. All you need is a big win, which is right within reach. But it never comes, not big enough. I had maxed out all my credit cards, savings accounts and was suicidal my last time I gambled….It took a lot for me to come to GA and stop gambling, it was 1995 when I quit. Today my life is good and gambling is no longer a option for anything…
    Ara H

  15. AlexJuly 3, 2015 at 12:54 amReply

    Thank you so much for your advice guys… I was lost and stupid for thinking about suicide, but at the time it seemed like the only option.
    I managed to confront my family about my problem and to my surprise they were really supportive about it. I have given them all my cards and came clean with what I had done. Feel as though a huge load is off my shoulders and can start my life again.
    I know it’s only a start but I’ve got hopes that it’ll turn out alright.
    Thank you all again for the support, I live all the way in London and yet this site managed to reach me and help me out 🙂

  16. KarenJuly 3, 2015 at 7:42 amReply

    Hey, Alex. Good to hear from you and hope that you will reach out to the UK GA groups for additional support and understanding from others like you who felt that they’d destroyed all hopes of a future. I am thrilled that your family was there for you and support of the family is tremendously helpful. Keep your feet on the ground, keep reaching for the stars (I think that was a quote from Casey Casum at the end of his Top 40 countdown here in the States) and I hope that you will find the joy of living life without the bet.

  17. DJuly 13, 2015 at 6:12 amReply

    Ive had enough. All these wasted years so close behind, all my shallow tears flowing pointlessly away from my essence, an empty shell i have become.
    What is hardest is a good life is so agonisely close by.
    I never meant to hurt anyone

    • Karen LeeJuly 15, 2015 at 9:19 amReply

      Thank you for reaching out and expressing what’s on your mind and heart. Gambling addiction can lead us to a very dark place, especially when we have ‘burned bridges’ to family and friends. There are many like you who have destroyed relationships, committed crimes to fund their addiction, and feel as if there’s no hope nor anyone who can understand what we feel. I can assure you that there are many like you who have done the same or worst. Please reach out to one of the resources I’ve listed here for help. No matter how dark and deep that hole is, I hope you will look for that light of recovery instead of taking a drastic step to end it all. The National Council on Problem Gambling offers a free 24-hour help line at 1-800-522-4700. Gamblers Anonymous also has hotlines and meeting lists for the entire county available on their website. Gamblers Anonymous is an excellent program of mutual aid and they offer a process called “Pressure Relief” which helps you navigate the financial aspects, while you get to meet others who once felt just like you do who will understand and offer their experience, strength and hope. Many states offer free or low cost Intensive Outpatient Programs and there are specially trained Certified Problem Gambling Counselors throughout the country specializing in this disease. And finally, there are a few gambling specific residential treatment programs.
      If you have a feeling that life is not worth living and you consider suicide…remember reading this and stop yourself. Instead, remember that help is a phone call away. Pick up the phone and dial the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255. Please reach back out to us here at Lanie’s Hope and let us know how you’re doing.

  18. ShayJuly 16, 2015 at 6:09 pmReply

    I feel worthless , I’ve been on a gambling downward spiral for the past 7 months, living paycheck to paycheck just to,takepaycheck and blow it, I’ve taken out payday loans and. Pawned anything I could. I feel the most worthless piece of crap, why can’t I just fight this urge, its like any money has no meaning compared to going to try and win more,even then I don’t leave when I do, I play it all back. I know I should know better but I’m so dumb! What the he’ll is wrong with me, I hate this feeling. I have done nothing but put us in the most preventable binds.

    • 1973January 5, 2019 at 10:22 amReply

      Shay what you are describing is how we ALL feel and have done over and over again. Gambling addiction gets to the point where you dont even want to do it but you’re chasing your money to pay bills only to put more in and as you stated even WHEN we do win we put it ALL back in.Its a vicious cycle. I moved to Las Vegas 4 years ago and had visited many times and never gambled.Then I finally broke up from a 20 year relationship and found gambling to be a distraction at 1st.Of course they lured me in with “free play” and I continued to go once or twice a week then it became my social time as well and started going more and more until it turned into a daily occurrence. Now a year and half later and 300k lost and having to move my family out of state because of it, I’m still gambling. Unfortunately I still fly to Vegas for business and theres a casino an hour n a half away from the new state I moved to.All I can say is I’ve NEVER had any addictions but this gambling is NO JOKE!! Ihope you have recovered since your message.Im going to force myself to tell my dad my true situation today as I finally realize I cant help myself.

  19. JulesAugust 22, 2015 at 9:38 pmReply

    I have done things I never would have imagined doing due to my gambling addiction. Up until recently, the only thing I’ve done is 1 speeding ticket. Tuesday, I will lose my job and probably be prosecuted when they find out what I’ve done. I am a 57 yr old single female who is ruined. Don’t tell me I can start over. Who’s going to hire someone my age with a felony to boot? Nope, come Tuesday, life will be over for me.

    • Bea AikensAugust 25, 2015 at 8:52 amReplyAuthor

      Dear Jules,
      I am so sorry to hear of the depths your gambling addiction has taken you. I really do “get it” Only another compulsive gambler can understand the inexplicable! I remember feeling exactly as you do – so afraid, ashamed, unable to stop, hating myself for NOT stopping, and repeating the same vicious cycle again and again. Every day I vowed I would never gamble again, and then I’d find myself in front of a video poker machine the very next night.
      I feel for you knowing that today you face some very big challenges, pain, fear, and a myriad of emotions. You said “Don’t tell me to start over” so I won’t. What I WILL do is encourage you to “start anew.” I couldn’t have imagined life free from the bet, let alone a life that is free from the pervasive fear that ran my life. Participating in a Twelve Step Program changed my life…actually SAVED my life as I felt I had nothing left to live for.
      You may feel that you are all alone. Know that you are NOT alone. There is a whole community of folks in recovery from the very same addiction you describe who are here to support you. Help IS AVAILABLE. No matter how bad things look today, I promise you that it can and does get better. All you have to do is reach out for help to begin the process of healing and living a life free from the bet One Day At A Time.
      Jules, these are not platitudes. I’ve lived this as have many in the Lanie’s Hope community. We have an expression in recovery; “Let us love you until you can love yourself.” I certainly felt “unlovable” when I first came into recovery. Down the road I found peace of mind that I could have never envisioned. I found hope and help and friendship. It is here waiting for you Jules…no matter what you’re facing today. Please reach out for help!
      The National Council on Problem Gambling’s Hotline provides 24 hour support at 1-800-522-4700.
      Please let us know how you’re doing. I will be thinking of you and praying for you!

    • CaroleNovember 3, 2015 at 2:01 pmReply

      Hi Jules

      It is November 3rd 2015 and I have just read your story. Well I hope you are able to read this. I was feeling so low and have hit rock bottom due to my gambling addiction and came across what you had written. Well I am praying that you did not take your life because you can come back from this. And it was your story that has made me think positive and become strong as from this moment I am going to fight this every step of the way. Enough is enough I am so bloody angry at how much misery this gambling does to so many of us. We have all got each other to support. I am determined as from this moment I will be not going to give into this terrible thing that ruins so many people’s lives. I started gambling on line two years ago and am now going to stop and it was reading your write up that shone a light for me. Please let me know you are ok we will all get through this together. God bless

  20. HieuSeptember 24, 2015 at 7:50 pmReply

    Hi there, I’m from Vietnam, a country in South East Asia. I’m 30 years old.
    I’m so depressed now…
    I’ve lost $2500 in the last 24 hours in online casino. And now I’m typing these words.
    I’ve been gambling addicted for almost 10 years now. First I gambled on sports, then I started gambling on online casino. I’ve borrowed money from my friends so many times. Also I’ve taken some bank loans. What is worst is that I’ve even borrowed from the “loan sharks” many times as well. My parents have always paid for my debt all the time. After all, I’ve lost around $80,000 since the first day I gambled. It’s a very very big money in my country.
    I’ve wanted to commit suicide many times, but I really couldn’t do it. I was afraid, and I was very hurt when thinking about my beloved ones.
    But this is the end for me. I can’t stand myself anymore. I feel hopeless, there’s no way out for me. I’m going to do it the next Monday or Tuesday.
    I’m really sorry, Mom & Dad.
    I’m so sorry, my beloved wife.
    I’m so sorry, all my beloved ones.

    • Bea AikensSeptember 25, 2015 at 8:29 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Hieu,
      Nothing is worth your LIFE! I’m sure you’ve read other posts on this site about suicide and that indeed many compulsive gamblers consider this when they reach their “bottom.” That’s when it’s time to “surrender” – not your life – but surrender to the fact that you’ll never get that “big win” and it’s time to reach out for HELP! I’m very sorry that I’m not familiar with suicide prevention services and gambling treatment services in Vietnam, but there are 24 hour services available in the US and those numbers are on this page, if you can’t find services there. Please watch our most recent YouTube post – it’s a video from the Suicide Awareness and Prevention Walk. Look at how many people are in that arena Hieu! They are all FAMILY MEMBERS and friends who have suffered the loss of a loved one due to suicide. I am one of them. I would give anything to have my sister back. She took her life because of gambling addiction! Please, please, talk to your parents and your beloved wife. You will break their hearts if you commit suicide. You can heal your own heart if you reach out for help for your gambling addiction! I know this as well as I too am a compulsive gambler and once felt as you do today. I was afraid and alone and so ashamed. That feeling passes when you share your secrets and realize that people will not reject you and you CAN recover from a gambling addiction.
      God Bless you Hieu! Make the Call!

    • MarkJuly 1, 2018 at 4:23 amReply

      I’m 24 years old and under the life of quarter life crisis! This Gambling is easily ruining my life. Lord I’m sorry too.Please forgive me.

  21. ShelleySeptember 26, 2015 at 7:23 amReply

    Dear Hieu,
    My name is Shelley and I, too, am a compulsive gambler. I know the shame, guilt, and remorse that invariably accompanies the progression of this addiction. For me, thoughts of suicide were comforting at times because I believed it would end my pain. Pain is what drove me to gambling and what I sought to avoid. For many years, the devastation my death would bring to those I loved kept me from acting on that impulse. The day I no longer cared about those left behind is the day I reached out for help. Although it may not feel like it right now, there is always a way out. Suicide is not the answer. Go to your parents and to your beloved wife. Explain to them your shame and remorse and, more importantly, explain to them your feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness and what these emotions nearly drove you to do. A call helped save my life. Let your family love you and care for you until you are able to do it for yourself. Be brave and strong. Take the next step towards a new and better life. Make the call!

  22. AbuOctober 15, 2015 at 11:29 amReply

    Im 25 years old female from the philippines. Ive started gambling 2 years ago. I tried quitting but i kept coming back everytime. I am a business woman and now i am nothing. Ive lost too much money over bacarrat. I feel like im the stupidest person to believe that i can invest my money in casinos. Now that i have left with nothing but a failure to my family and significant other i just want to be at peace and let the pain go away with my life in it.

  23. jim wellerNovember 30, 2015 at 3:06 pmReply

    Somebody please help me. im 26 and have been a compulsive gambler for 10 years. i think this disease has finally won. i think its time for my to end the pain and the constant longing for my next bet.

    • Bea AikensNovember 30, 2015 at 3:59 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Jim – You started your message by asking for help. That, and the concession that your addiction “has finally won” tell me you’re ready for HELP! And Help IS available Jim! Are you open to it? Have you tried to stop before – on your own? Have you tried counseling or 12 step meetings? There is a lot of evidence to support doing both…that’s what worked for me when I was FINALLY able to be free from the impact of this addiction! I’ll never be “cured”…but one day at a time, I am living a bet-free life as are many, many people I talk with every day. Life gets SO MUCH better Jim! Please reach out to Gamblers Anonymous, or a Certified Problem Gambling Counselor. HYPER (Helping Young People Experience Recovery) is another option. I am not a therapist- but I will be happy to talk with you ANY time! Feel free to call me at Lanie’s Hope or email via the “contact us” link. You have taken the essential “first step” of admitting that you can’t do this alone. The great news is…you don’t have to! There is a huge community of recovering compulsive gamblers ready to help. All you have to do is pick up the phone:)

  24. JerichoDecember 2, 2015 at 4:47 pmReply

    Dear all,

    I could not help but cry reading all your gambling addiction stories for the very reason that I can relate to them. I just arrived today from the casino and i lost the money I have saved for a few months within 30 minutes of playing the slots. It’s from my allowance as I am a student dependent on my partner and in-laws for my day to day expenses.

    Last time, on my way home from the casino (I had to travel 2 hours by train to get to the nearest one as I banned myself in the ones in town), I tried to reflect on my growing addiction by recapping my story from a 3rd point of view. I want to share it with everybody.


    He sat there, lost in his reverie. His baffled mind couldn’t find an iota of calmness which would allow him to think sensibly. His disturbed thoughts changed as fast as the kaleidoscopic scenery outside the train window. He clasped and sought comfort from the gold plated rosary with an angel pendant he always carried in his wallet. Both objects were gifts, the rosary from his friend and the angel pendant from his partner. He uttered some words while holding the religious trinkets, pleading them help as if they could hear him. He badly needed some relief from the unexplainable feeling of remorse and self-loathe which began to consume his whole being as soon as he got out of the casino with an empty pocket. It was the same feeling he had in the past when he found himself in the same situation. He proceeded to search for himself, his very essence, the very core of his being. He felt empty.

    “Is this really who I am?” he asked. “Lord, help me!” he continued.

    A few months before, he thought he made progress as he could finally speak about his affliction openly with a professional and with some family members. His partner who found out what he was up to, in the months of acting bizarrely before he was caught red handedly, immediately asked this form of intervention from the municipal social services. It was one of his terms and conditions, if they were to continue their relationship. He submitted to this professional help without any hesitation. He was afraid and felt embarrassed. He was at his lowest.

    “How could you?” his partner asked repeatedly. “It was not even your money!”

    He calculated a total of $10,000 dollars wasted in the slot machines. He always made note of everything he spent in all his trips to the casino, ironically labeling the file in his phone as “Figures of Speech”. Factor the time he spent playing and you have a serious example of time and resources wasted. Well, perhaps, that was a bit of an exaggeration but if you include the fact that he was a student and he was largely dependent on his partner and his parents for his day to day living, this preoccupation was more than serious.

    Somewhat traumatized by what he could actually do, his partner became distrustful of him and temporarily took control of his finances. He willingly accepted this intervention. Somehow he was relieved that he was banned from the casinos and that he had no more access of excess money. He felt a sense of safety and empowerment. Most importantly, he felt a great sense of relief. All those episodes of lying to his partner, in-laws and friends were over. Now, he could look at them in the eyes again.

    I wish my story ended that way with no more continuation. The sad truth is I am on a relapse since March this year. The thought of telling my partner (who’s been very loving and supported of me) and my in-laws (who treat me as their own child) that I have been gambling again is currently my biggest fear and source of embarrassment. I am afraid to disappoint them again.

  25. SteveDecember 5, 2015 at 10:25 amReply

    Hi I don’t know what to do. I’m 23 years old and I am in debt over 80k my family has been there for me since day one and my mother cleared credit card and loan debt about 3 months ago so I can only owe her and once she did that I just took out more loans and jacked up all my credit cards again. I’m to the point where I don’t want to live I can’t live with the way I treat people. I leave my family everyday to go to casinos I treat them all like shit I am completely embarrassed with myself. I stopped gambling for 90 days after being in GA about 5 months ago and then since then my life has been a complete disaster. I thought about suicide once before but never went through with it but now I am to the point and I don’t know what to do with myself. I am to ashamed to even walk back into a GA room or talk to anyone from there.

  26. NomorecardsFebruary 10, 2016 at 3:48 amReply

    Hi there. I don’t know much about slot machines but Im hooked on cards. Black Jack. I’m in debt and my boyfriend is fed up. I haven’t spent as much as some of you on here, yet, but I have less to spend which is the same impact. I don’t want to gamble. I do not trust myself. I finally came to this realization yesterday. I travel to tribal casinos where the odds are terrible. I am having trouble facing myself. I spent money that wasn’t mine. Somehow I rationalized it was mine. I told myself that only part of it was theirs. I was holding it for someone else. I’m shocked at how I lied to myself. My boyfriend is tumbling. I think he may need to leave me in order to survive. I’m sick to death over this. I’m feeling numb but I keep dropping tears. My spirit is very low. I can’t stop. I want to change this around. Its going to take a lot of work. ((

  27. LisaFebruary 24, 2016 at 5:54 pmReply

    Last night I won 1000 on horse races then lost it in video lottery … after cashing 950 in winnings. I stayed out half the night and called off sick from work. I felt depressed ashamed and worthless and still contemplating suicide. I am 40 and have been struggling with this addiction for half my life. I have tried holiness, GA, addiction services… nothing has worked I am at a loss on how to stop… recently I stopped for two or three weeks. but I keep going back and I don’t know why it’s like I have no control. Soon as I have a few dollars… I find my way back to the machines. the only thing keeping me here right now is my son who is 11. I am unsure what else to try to defeat this addiction. Lisa

  28. kris vencatMarch 16, 2016 at 11:48 pmReply

    Gambling is a disease for sure. I lost my father due to his addiction to gambling last year. The answer to what i could have done to prevent this from happening just bother me day and night. But deep inside me, i know it’s too late now. I do know the grief of losing someone dear to our heart and believe me, there is nothing worst than this . There is always a solution to every problem but SUICIDE IS DEFINITELY NOT THE SOLUTION. Just think how bad and desperate your dear ones, your family, your friends, your collegues will feel about your lost. I will say it again and again- there is always a way out and suicide is not the solution. Just seek help and the simple fact of ADMITTING THAT YOU ARE ADDICTED TO GAMBLING to someone can be of a great relief to yourself. Try calling any anonymous gambling associations or visit the website below:


    You may feel ashamed of what you have done, but remember that you are not the only one that make mistakes, everyone else do. GAMBLING is not like a disease but is a real disease which is often taken for granted. Accept it that you are ill and HELP from someone is the only remedy and believe me, this will do good to yourself.

    Ask for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of when seeking help and remember that life is a gift from the great almighty that does not need to be wasted at any cost. There are ups and downs in life and our job is to face them fiercely without losing hope. Just know that brighter days are waiting for you if you ask for help for your gambling addiction.

    So, if ever the thought of committing suicide comes to your mind, JUST TELL YOURSELF THAT THIS IS NOT THE WAY OUT.

  29. DanielApril 26, 2016 at 10:50 amReply

    I am going to kill myself tonight! I can’t take this anymore. I have major debt problems and loan sharks hunting me down and threatening my family plus bailiffs knocking on the door every day and adding another £200 on to the bill every time I don’t answer! They are evil bastards, the bailiffs! I can’t afford to pay in the first place so why the f**k do they add so much interest on? They are partly to blame for what I’m about to do! Now they won’t get f**k all off me and i am about to be the happiest I’ve been for the last 10 years! Goodbye everyone and hope you can all sort yourself out! For me now I feel relieved that I’m finally going to kill myself. Take care and leave the gambling alone so that you don’t end up like me.

    • AudraJune 7, 2016 at 3:45 pmReply

      Please go outside and see the beauty. It hurts so much to lose a loved one to suicide. Unmeasurable pain that never goes away!!!!!!!! Please breathe and live.

  30. Kinyua NjeriApril 28, 2016 at 7:47 amReply

    The same storySUICIDE is being told all across Africa. Gambling sites have penetrated into the economies and this way, they are ripping off every piece of sanity and sobriety from kids. Almost every month, the http://www.254campusnews.com/category/sports/ reports an attempted suicide as a result of losing money to gambling. Guys, this is serious!

  31. gina langleyMay 14, 2016 at 1:23 amReply

    i AM ALMOST 60 AND HAVE DECIDED TO END IT. mY KIDS ARE 16 AND 18 SO THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. i CAN ONLY BRING THEM MORE UNHAPPINESS. tHEY ARE CONSTANTLY ASKING ME WHAT IS WRONG. I just say that I am tired. But I am really depressed about the gambling. I have a house and a car and a job. But I have no savings, things in my house need to be repaired and I can’t fix them because I have NO SAVINGS because any cent that I get, I gamble it away. I don’t want to live 10 or twenty or even five more years like this. Not even another month. Gambling is like heroin addiction. The only way to get out of it is to die.
    I m divorced because of it, I am alone because of it, I waste a lot of my life because o fit. I could paint my house or plant a garden or wash my clothes, something constructive instead of hours and hours at a slot machine.

    I look around at other women there and none of us are happy. There is no reason to go on. I have nothing to look forward to. I am tired.

    • CguyMay 29, 2016 at 9:43 amReply

      Hi Gina, I know your pain. I’m 42 and every cent I have ever earned in 20 years went to gambling. I’m not married nor do I have children because of this insidious disease. But you have a 16 and 18 year old. They are enough reason to want to stick around. Be honest with them (although I’m sure they already know). They love you and don’t want to lose you to this ridiculous addiction we subject ourselves to. I’m still gambling and need to quit myself. I know the pain your feeling… Oh believe me I know!

  32. AudraJune 7, 2016 at 3:42 pmReply

    No matter what do NOT end your LIFE! Life is so beautiful and precious. There are so many people that love you and will be so wounded when you leave. Suicide is not the answer. Life can be challenging this we know. Death is unknown. Know this that the stars, the moon, the sun, will always be there for you. Go outside and see the beauty. Live, breath, dance, yell, scream, let it out, and find support and help now. WE need you.

  33. JillJune 18, 2016 at 3:13 amReply

    Hello Gina,

    Please do not end your life. Your kids may be 16 and 18, and eve though they are technically old enough to take care of themselves, that does not mean they do not need you. Try to put yourself in the opposite position. If one of your kids told you they wanted to end their life because of a gambling addiction how would that hurt you? You would do everything in your power to stop it and help them. Please reach out and let them know you need help and that you love them or call one of the many hotlines listed on this forum. I am stressed and depressed over a gambling problem too and I found this site after googling the correlation between suicide and gambling. I thought about suicide briefly but the thought scares me and I always try to think of my family and how it would devastate them. Gambling is awful but there is always help. I actually stopped for a couple of years and have recently relapsed. I also struggle with opiate addiction and am currently prescribed methadone maintenance therapy. Just like there is help for a drug addiction there is always help for gambling as well, so please reach out and seek support in others who are struggling as well. I hope you feel better and again please do not harm yourself. I am here if you need to chat.

  34. DavidJuly 17, 2016 at 10:05 pmReply

    I am 37. my life is now 10 years behind. I am unmarried and lonely. Thank God I am into many sports like paddleball, handball, badminton and chess. I also go out time to time. Due to this I was going to casino. I have lost my past two jobs due to gambling. The 2nd job I lost because I used to call sick a lot as I was upset losing lots of money in the night, and felt like shit in the morning. Casino is only 10 mins away from me. So it was hard for me to stop myself. I am sharing a house with my parents and brothers. They are very nice with me. They never bother me even if I miss a monthly rent payment. But I used to treat them really bad, now I am gradually coming to my senses. I am currently working on building my business. I have some success on it, but I am trying to be more successful. I am gradually working to establish my business, and hope one day I will not have any emotion for gambling..

  35. ComefindmedeadOctober 8, 2016 at 5:12 amReply

    No one understands us. No one can relate to us. 12 step programs and faith based initatives are just bull shit. They don’t do anything to help complete lack of control. Sometimes death is the only way to change a behavior. I’ve been through the programs, I’ve done the 12 steps, and I always always relapse. I’m tired of hurting my friends and family. It’s too much and no one understands. There’s no way out. There’s. No step program, there’s no real support, there’s no sponsor who isn’t full of Jesus bull shit…. People. Do. Not. Understand. And they do. Not. Care.

    • Bea AikensOctober 28, 2016 at 1:01 pmReplyAuthor

      I posted your comments just as you wrote them, as your expression of frustration and pain is palpable. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, and, I can tell you from first-hand experience that I do understand and I can relate, as can many others who struggle with gambling addiction. Life can be different and so much better. Recovery is not one-size-fits-all. The 12-steps work for me and for many folks I know with gambling addiction. But it’s not the “ONLY” answer – there are alternatives for treatment. You can reach out to a therapist or a certified problem gambling counselor. Many states offer free intensive outpatient treatment AND there are 12-step programs that are not religious or spiritual in nature – such as SMART Recovery. There really is “no wrong door” to recovery – please don’t give up and try another door that works for YOU. You are fighting a life-threatening mental health disorder. This does not make you a bad person or a flawed person …it makes you a person with a chronic illness in need of treatment. Please don’t give up. MANY people DO care. Including me. I don’t know you, but I know your disease because I have it too. With help, You can regain control of your life and live a better life in recovery.

  36. MattDecember 20, 2016 at 3:38 pmReply

    As I have read all these comments I feel exactly the same. I owe money to friends and cannot pay them back, because as soon as I’m paid, I gamble away all my pay in hours, and then no money for another month. I feel sick to my back teeth of feeling this way. The last 8 months I have not only blown all my money, but my partner’s also, and feel ashamed of myself now she has told me its over. 3 years ago I went to GA meetings for 12 weeks and felt so much better and looked alot healthier and life was as good as its been since I was a young lad. I know I’ve got to go back but feel really bad at what my life’s become again. Sucidal thoughts and tears are all thats been on my mind the last 5 days I hate living like this

    • Bea AikensJanuary 5, 2017 at 3:41 pmReplyAuthor

      You said it yourself – you “felt much better” when you were going to meetings. You are not alone! I pray that you have returned to meetings – if not, I pray that you DO! I understand too well that despair and pain – both from my own gambling addiction AND the loss of my sister Lanie due to her gambling-related overdose. Please, please….seek help! Help is as close as your phone. The 24-hour Helpline # is 1-800-522-4700. Life can, and DOES, get better!

  37. #Fresh StartJanuary 13, 2017 at 6:23 pmReply

    I’m a gambling addict. Over the past year it has progressively gotten worse. As each day passes by I lie to myself; constantly telling myself that this time will be different. As you all know it’s never different. I’ve lost over 35000k over the past year and this is a great majority of my income. It hurts because I have to go home and look at my wife and kids empty handed financially and emotionally. The life i call my own isn’t much of a life so I’ve found myself constantly thinking about life after death. The thought of leaving the emptiness, depression and sadness behind seems appealing and sometimes it seems like the only way. Reading all these post gives me hope because I know I’m not the only one. There is someone out there that feels my exact pain. There are also others out there that feel the pain that I’m considering transferring over to my loved ones. In all fairness to my wife and kids I know I have to fight for my life and for them as well. I know that I’m a fighter because no matter how many times I get knocked down at the casino I’m always right back there, just like you! Let’s fight together to overcome this horrendous addiction that we share. Personally, I have a lot to fight for and I’m sure if you think about it you do too. I came here to see if my suicidal thoughts were normal. It’s apparent that my thoughts are normal, but I won’t allow normal to dictate my next move. Neither should you! Please love yourself enough to get help and if you don’t love yourself, get help so that you don’t have to leave a parent, child, grandchild, or significant other behind wondering what they could have done to help you!

  38. VinnyJanuary 16, 2017 at 9:25 pmReply

    I’m reading all the post and I pray for all
    You can do it NEVER GIVE UP!!!
    Get to them GA rooms and get around. People that will
    Support you get in recovery and just take one day at a time
    Forget about trying to win it all back
    Just let it go and start enjoying life and family and friends
    Will forgive you …it may take a little time but for now just focus
    On your recovery

    • Bea AikensJanuary 20, 2017 at 2:32 pmReplyAuthor

      Thanks for your support of those who “still suffer” Vinny!
      We get more posts on “suicide” than any other topic. What a sad a real commentary on the devastation gambling addiction can cause! You are right on…life gets so much better with the support of others who are recovering from a gambling addiction. Life can, and DOES, get better!

  39. Lai Teck ShinJanuary 26, 2017 at 9:04 amReply

    Today is Thursday. Next 2 days will be 1st day of Chinese New Year in my location Malaysia. I owe many debts and a few of them will come to my house to collect tomorrow. My year end bonus and salary just out 2 days ago and i lost it all totally all in fish arcade gaming machine. I now laid on my bed thinking of tomorrow. I feel like i wanted to end my life now.

    • Lai Teck ShinJanuary 26, 2017 at 9:09 amReply

      I had tried seeking for gambling therapy help but they charge me for it and some need me to be in their hostel for maybe 6 months. I have no more money and i cannot stay in there as i need to work to cover all my debts. I have no more way to go. My family scolded me very fierce today saying i didn’t do anything for family and always come back home late. I made a reason i went to look for friends as a reason. They asked me is your friend really help you or want to take advantages on you. Suddenly i realize my friend is the fish arcade gaming machine i look for everyday and it really take advantages on me. Now is too late to stop. I stop today but how am i going to face all the creditors tomorrow? I am doomed.

  40. JayFebruary 16, 2017 at 1:41 pmReply

    Today is my 30th birthday. I got paid today as well. I lost my full paycheck at the casino. I have $6 until I get paid again in two weeks and that check will be for rent. I’m tired of this cycle but I’ll probably never really quit until I’m dead which is hopefully soon.all I wanted to do was play poker but I lost it all in baccarat before even making it to the poker tables. My problem is severe. My friends and family know about my problem but don’t do anything to try and help me. I need to help myself but never do.

    • Bea AikensFebruary 16, 2017 at 4:41 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Jay,
      I understand how “severe” the problem of gambling addiction can be! I’m really glad you reached out, and I pray that you will reach out for HELP. Life can and does get better! Those things that seem insurmountable now really do get better. The financial fears, the secrets and deceptions…that’s all part of the disease Jay. Please, please reach out for help! Look for your local Gamblers Anonymous hotline, or call the National Helpline at 800-522-4700. And Jay, if your feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-273-8255. Someone is there to HELP. We really do care and life can get better. Please reach out for help!
      God Bless You Jay,

      • ManinderJune 26, 2018 at 3:30 amReply

        huy i am from india, playing online casino last 10 years. I have lost atleast 150000K in GBP. i feel like dead person walking. i wasted my life my money. now i dont know what to do. but just now i can only suicide now.

  41. JohnFebruary 23, 2017 at 1:20 pmReply

    My son committed suicide because of his gambling addiction and I am campaigning for more regulation of the gambling industry.


  42. AbdulFebruary 25, 2017 at 2:25 pmReply

    Please don’t kill yourself. You have people that love you.

  43. bryan dimmickMarch 5, 2017 at 4:49 amReply

    Dear everyone.
    As a compulsive gambler at rock bottom here in Southampton,England I am writing my story for myself and all out there who may seek some hope, advice and a wait out of this killer disease.
    I am 46 year old male and have been a problem/compulsive gambler since the age of 17!!!
    It all started on fruit machines for many years and increasing gambling on horse racing. Within ten years two relationships ruined and promising myself to stop gambling every Monday,only to be back in front of a machine or at the bookmakers counter by Wednesday. Often borrowing,scamming money to gamble. This still was not enough.
    In 2003 I played roulette for the first time on a fixed odds terminal at a bookies……and won of course. In a matter of minutes I had amassed a month’s wages,and the compulsive gambler in me was hooked instantly.
    My gambling has free called since 2003 with constant weekly losses, relationships lost, massive debts and 5 months in prison in 2013.
    Upon release I found Gamblers anonymous – a most amazing place and group of people,friends and saviors. All the tools to abstain from gambling are in that fellowship and regular weekly attendance if possible can really help anyone,no matter how severely addicted stay away from that next bet.
    I have unfortunately, due to a combination of less attendance,alcohol, available income and arrogance, slipped up and gambled……. Quite terrible, upsetting, anger,frustration and the horrible feeling of my wife finding out.
    Our partners suffer as much,if not more than us and there is support for partners,friends and family members of gamblers at gam anon here in the uk.
    I am now back to square one mentally and financially with only time, hope and determination plus massive support from my wife and GA family. I know I can stay off gambling again, but must not only not gamble but attend GA whenever I need a meeting as well as my regular meetings.
    So to all gamblers and family, partners, friends of gamblers… reach out. Do not fear telling somebody,and get yourself to Gamblers anonymous as this wretched disease is a killer. BCD Southampton

  44. Laurie LankoMay 29, 2017 at 6:00 pmReply

    My life has been one of…. Oh hell no matter what I think about my life it could always be worse. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself get over it and move on. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Ive been married for 37 years and yet i feel alone. Will the loneliness ever end? I think I should just end this madness now. I keep digging the hole deeper there’s no hope anymore

  45. Rose WeaverJune 4, 2017 at 12:44 pmReply

    I’m feeling very alone right now. I spend a lot of time thinking about all the money i’ve lost recently and some of it was for charity. I don’t want to kill myself but I think about ti often and how great it would be if my life just endded and I wouldn’t have to keep going through this hell. For 5 years now i’ve been on and off gambling, always promising to stop after I lose all my savings only to relapse 6 months/1 year later. This time I didn’t just lose all my savings but other peoples money also. My boyfriend hates me for it and says that i’m ridiculous for crying about it all the time but I just can’t stop. It feels like I have let everyone down and all my hard earned savings are gone with bills still needing to be paid. I don;’t have a solid job, working as a freelance face-painter so I can’t even work out how long it will take me to recover. I hope I survive this

  46. LgJune 10, 2017 at 12:49 pmReply

    I have lost everything. My mom’s money and my own. I have so many problems of which gambling is only one. I have so many worries and I gamble to try to make things better but I only make them worse. I see no hope and believe me I have prayed without end. I have huge family problems and everybody relies on me to help and I can’t even help myself. There is no hope and God will not help me anymore. This cannot be fixed so where do I go from here. My kids still need me but I am so lost I cannot give them support. I cannot stop and I cannot go on. Help me I give up. Have a husband who never stops reminding me of the first time I gambled and lost. He will not even think twice about abandoning me now. Where do I go for help. There are no answers and no one to help. My one child has mental problems and will not survive without me, but I don’t have the strength anymore. I can’ t survive but I do have life insurance and that might help my kids. What do I do. I hate leaving them but that is the last I can do for them.

  47. VanhaJuly 23, 2017 at 6:58 pmReply

    Hopefully the bet I put in yesterday was my last bet involving money! Gambling ruined me emotionally and financially, more than me it had huge negative effect on my relationship with my wife. I quit gambling twice before, during the years I did not gamble , my life was beautiful. Weekends we’re great, and they did not cost a ton.

    Gambling was in my family, my father gambled most of the time in his prime years. I always liked the rush.

    My addiction to casino games started in 1996, at that time my game of choice was blackjack. For the first two years, myself and my wife used go to the casino on Friday nights. She stared to see the problem, I started playing $25 a hand by the end if second year I was playing $200 a hand. This kept on going for a while, huge ups and downs. I wish there were never any ups. The confidence that it is possible to win made to chase my losses.

    I switched to Baccarrat game, Banker bet was my favorite. Huge ups and downs. The worst part was every time I won big for few weeks, it always followed with heavy loosing weeks.
    I continued to gamble despite knowing you can not beat the house in the long run. I knew I would loose even if there was no such thing as house advantage. I knew the “the law of large numbers” is not on the side of persistent gamble like me. I still gambled away all the money for which I had worked very hard.

    For the last few weeks I have been getting suicidal thoughts. I lost about 500k in last 18 months. Credit cards, home equity, personal loans from bank, borrowed money from couple of friends stating business needs.
    I am suppressing the suisidal thoughts by remembering my kids, wife and my mother.

    It took long time (20years) for me to realize I was not gambling for money, I was gambling to get that high feeling. Simple, I was happy winning $5000 even if I had lost $25,000 prior week.

    I hope this time I will be successful in quitting gambling. I know it is a hard addiction, but I want to choose life over addiction. I want my high school going daughter to finish college, I want my 11 year old son not to end up like me. I want my wife to smile again. It has been few years since she smiled. This is my last opportunity, there is no way I could recoup my losses by more gambling. But I can be a good dad,son,husband just by not gambling, it is free and very satisfying.


    All the best to all of you out there!

  48. GarryAugust 5, 2017 at 1:31 pmReply

    Hi group am at rock bottom here I feel so alone I thought I had beaten gambling problem but I’ve went blew everything again my family will disown me no point living anymore

    • Bea AikensAugust 15, 2017 at 4:40 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Garry, Please, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (800) 273-8255 or the Gamblers Helpline 1 (800) 522-4700 and get the help you need! Both Helpline’s are staffed by professionals who understand and can help! I see that you care about your family! Trust me when I tell you that they would rather have YOU than lose you to this DISEASE! I know…because I lost my sister Lanie to the disease of compulsive gambling. It is not a “cop out” to say it is an illness and you need help. You’ve been there, so you know that we really do lose “free will” when in the grips of this thing! Please get help Garry. You are not alone!
      God Bless You

  49. Kevin GSeptember 3, 2017 at 9:08 pmReply

    Gambling has destroyed my life, but I absolutely f’in LOVE IT!!! It’s the only thing in this entire world that I truly feel OK while doing. I live to be in action. I’m 30 years old and in a insurmountable amount of debt. I had bailout after bailout after bailout in my life. Enabler after enabler after enabler. BUT NOW I don’t. And suicide is very heavy in my mind.

    I went to a rehab in 2009. Came out and gambled. Went to a rehab again in 2012. Started going to GA and had 13 months. My life was great, BUT I started that 13 months off a bailout of ALL my debt wiped clean. I ran with it for 13 months, beautiful girlfriend, out with friends, vacations – life was great! It was a normal life! Sadly I decided to gamble one day and back I was for another miserable 3+ years wasted.

    I have a good career. I get paid every week. Every week I can’t wait till Wednesday to get paid. I then lose everything in an hour after work and have no food, gas, NOTHING for the week. I somehow manage to borrow, steal, manipulate money throughout the course of the weekend and somehow someway even though I lost my entire check and didn’t pay a bill, somehow SOMEWAY I’ll lose another $500-$1000. Then payday comes and I lost it all and REPEAT.

    I recently went back to GA on march 7th 2017. I got 4 1/2 months clean. I relapsed at the horse track on July 23rd. I was in GA and also seeing a therapist and REALLY trying to work on my emotional problems deep down. I’m filled with so much guilt, fear, self-pity, low self esteem, etc. these all lead me back to the bet.

    Now here I am, writing on this site because I’m not strong enough to go back to GA. I don’t want to stop gambling and the only reason I don’t kill myself is because I can’t gamble if I’m dead!!! I lost the love of my life, lost all trust and respect back again, been begging my entire contact list for money, late on all my bills, etc etc etc. I can’t take the pain anymore and the only time I don’t feel the pain is when I’m in ACTION. I don’t care if it’s scratching a scratchoff, sitting in an OTB betting horses, sitting at a blackjack table, or betting a sports game, I LIVE FOR ACTION. Without action and that high my life is meaningless. Sadly I’ve done everything and expressed every option for money. From borrowing, to scams, to fraudulent things. All I have left is my paycheck every week and next thing will be to rob a fucking bank. I know I’ll end up dead or in jail due to this addiction, but it doesn’t stop me. I really want to kill myself, but I’m also so scared to. They always say we need to live in the moment but I just can’t. I dwell on the past and worry about the future.

    I’m so lost. I work so hard. Every week. Never miss a day. Ever. Because work feeds my addiction. But it’s getting very old now. I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

    • Bea AikensSeptember 6, 2017 at 4:35 pmReplyAuthor

      Oh my Kevin…what a cunning, powerful and baffling disease this is! The disease of compulsive gambling has you expressing how it has taken absolutely EVERYTHING from you….and yet you say you “love it.” My heart hurts for you, as I too know that awful cycle. Are you sure you “love it?” Maybe it’s that you just can’t stop. Clearly, you’ve done 12-step meetings and therapy and rehab…so you KNOW this is a mental disorder that can be treated and, while not “cured”, it can be put into remission. I pray that your bottom is IN recovery my friend. You’ve done it before. You’ve gone months and more than a year without the bet. Are you open to trying again? Life is SO much better when the madness stops! Please don’t give in to this addiction. Fight the good fight and get back into treatment. If you are ready for help NOW, please pick up the phone and call the Helpline at 1-800-522-4700.

  50. Tommy WSeptember 8, 2017 at 7:48 pmReply

    Hi Kevin. Yeah. I could not have written a better essay Kevin. You summed up our shared madness very well. You understand it. You respect it. Sadly, that isn’t enough. And I’m not gonna throw the GA platitudes at you. Our program is full of cliches. However, prison, insanity and death. I know the combo book uses the word ‘or’. But you and I are of the same cloth. You are in the midst of the insanity. Prison is your daily routine, “living” for Wednesday payday. Surely, without GA and all it provides, death is not far. The yellow combo book also contains a sentence which speaks to me and my disease with a bullhorn. “….there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves.” That hit me so hard the first time I read it that I refused to read it again. Powerful truth right there. For me anyway. Talk about crazy. Insanity? Yeah. I hate myself, so I’m gonna gamble away my house, my car, my Princess, my job, my friends. my dignity, my freedom, (I did over 20 years for a compulsive gambling related crime) and finally, my life. But here’s the good news. You, I, we…all of us have a choice. Gamble and be miserable until we commit the ultimate tragedy upon anyone who might possibly love us? Or, get back into recovery and live, and turn this thing into something beneficial to humanity, to those who love you, to yourself. It’s not easy. It won’t be comfortable. But you do know it works. You do have the knowledge that with program comes recovery and sanity and healing and peace. You said as much. You don’t know me. I really don’t have the right to speak into your life except that you reached out and that’s what we do. Don’t give in to the pain. Don’t let the disease win. I am praying that just one glimmer of someone’s love in your life speaks to you through the fog of your despair and stays your hand and sobers your mind to where you see your way to another meeting, another day, another hour. And then you will be where I am, reaching back to that fella crying out from the muck and mire of this insidious disease. I am proud of you Kevin for the letter I just read. That honesty came from your gut, and is essential for your next step. Take that next step Kevin. One foot at a time. I have confidence in you because I have confidence in GA, and you do too. God bless you, young man.

  51. Vicente SanchezSeptember 9, 2017 at 8:52 pmReply

    I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. Ive gambled more money that I can handle and I am ruining everything. I can’t provide a basic life for myself and my daughter. My credit is maxed out and I am having to take high interest loans to try and make basic ends meet. With my credit being so screwed up I can’t get any money and I blew 8k I didn’t really have last night. God all I want to do is stop and I cant/

    • Mary FisherApril 30, 2018 at 7:06 pmReply

      Vincent Sanchez took his life on April 17, 2018. He was 42 years old.

  52. Aiden13September 13, 2017 at 7:11 amReply

    Hi everyone,
    My name is Aiden and I’m addictited to gambling. I have lost everything. I’m on the verge of bankruptcy. Gambling has deteriorated my life. I am dying a very slow death and I really want to end up because I rather die now then live miserably. I really want to stop gambling but I can’t seem to. I would stop for a bit and then I would relapse again. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t think I’ll ever get out of it. If this is how my life is gonna be then Lord the pray that You take my life cause I can’t bare his pain no more. There is no hope for me because I know in my heart I will gamble everything away again until the day I die.

  53. Aiden13September 13, 2017 at 7:40 amReply

    Hi everyone,
    My name is Aiden and I’m addicted to gambling. I have lost everything because of it. I’m on the verge of bankruptcy. I’ve been losing for the past 10 years now and I can’t seem to stop. I can’t work because my mind is poison, so therefore I can’t hold down a job. I wanna quit so bad but somehow I always relapse. Just like everyone I’m always thinking that the big payout is coming and I can restart my life again. But that’s not the case because I realize that it’s my addiction that’s thinking that. I really want to stop because I’m dying a very slow death. I’m living in pain and misery. If this is what my life is going be then Lord I pray that You take my life please. I have nothing to offer anyone, I serve no purpose what’s the point. I’m just hurting my family and friends. It’s sickening because I know in my heart that I will never be able to stop gambling. I’ve tried many times to stop but also end up gambling again. It’s a vicious cycle for me. The only way I can stop is if I just end it all. Please God I can’t take this anymore.

    • RoxieOctober 1, 2017 at 12:05 amReply

      Dearest Aiden, I just read every story posted to this site, ending with yours. My mother ended her life on Sept 27, 2017 about 6pm. She was not found until the following morning. When I received the call I dropped everything and flew to Kansas City. I never knew she was addicted to gambling until today when I gained access to her computer and paperwork. She was 79, semi retired and had little income. Yet she was able to borrow money from many sources that she would never be able to pay back and she gambled it all away. I now now understand the situation she was in. I must tell you that I still love her more than ever and I would do anything to have her here with me. Please don’t think for a single moment that you are alone and that money is more important than your one incredible life. Please put all that energy into fighting for your life. I believe we have to put laws in place to protect compulsive gamblers from destroying themselves. I believe we should regulate the casinos and other gambling establishments and lending institutions to prevent them from sucking the life from us. Can u help me develop legislation that would protect us? The medical examiner released my mothers remains today so she will be transferred to the funeral home for cremation on Monday. I will never see her again, all I wanted to do is just see her again, there was no one more like me on this earth, and Ishe took her own life for NO GOOD REASON. I miss her so much. Please go to your family or loved ones and tell them you need help. Please be truthful, you can’t do it alone. In the meantime we need to fight these bastards, ok?!

      • Bea AikensOctober 3, 2017 at 10:00 amReplyAuthor

        Dear Roxie,
        My heart aches for you! I have been where you are, and the pain is so great! What we all wouldn’t give for “just one more day.” I too was angry when Lanie took her life due to gambling. I wasn’t sure who I was mad at…the Doctor’s for not understanding how gambling could lead to an overdose and who had the audacity to ask me if she’d “won.” Perhaps the casinos for offering the gambling? In the end I found myself cursing the addiction…which I too have.
        I am a compulsive gambler in long-term recovery and, today, I understand that many people see gambling as a form of recreation…no different than going to a movie or another “entertainment” venue. For those like me, and Aiden, and your precious mother, it is a LIFE THREATENING mental illness! I believe the “fight” is with public perception….where gambling addicts are often viewed as morally weak and lacking in self-control. I don’t think we’d say this of a drug addict or an alcoholic. There is much work to be done there.
        But for now Dear Roxie…it’s not time to fight. It’s time to grieve. To feel your feelings and honor your mother. I am so terribly sorry for your loss! It breaks my heart every time I hear of a senseless loss like this. It happens far too often, and the world needs to understand. Insurance needs to cover TREATMENT of this disease and society needs to pave the way to have safe and open discussions about the disease of “Disordered Gambling.”
        God Bless you Roxie. Feel your feelings. They will come in waves and you will likely vacillate between anger, deep sorrow, regret and back again. You did nothing wrong. We gamblers keep secrets and…there were probably no signs for you to “miss.” Surround yourself with caring friends and loved ones. Allow yourself quiet time, and crying time. If you pray, time with God. Perhaps a support group or Gam-Anon. I will lift you in prayer and Lanie’s Hope will continue to do what we can to shine a light on this insidious disease.
        When you’re ready, you can share your experience with others. Right now, it’s time for you.
        May God Bless you….and thank you, thank you, thank you for reaching out to Aiden! You may have just saved a life.
        Bea Aikens
        Lanie’s Sister

  54. Noel GallagherSeptember 20, 2017 at 12:22 pmReply


  55. TatumSeptember 22, 2017 at 8:35 amReply

    My name is Tatum, and “I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER”. I sit here today wondering why? Why me? Why can’t I stop? Why do I continue to hurt everyone that tries to help me?
    I remember the day it started, 12 years this has controlled my life. My life wasn’t perfect before that day, but it was nothing compared to the last 12 years. I had a great job, and stopped at the casino and won. That was the beginning of the end. I can’t imagine how much money I have lost, but I would guess it would be hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have attempted suicide multiple times, and hurt everyone that ever cared. I have been to inpatient treatment twice, been hospitalized multiple times and still continue to self destruct. My “husband” has tried to help me and I keep screwing up. I still can’t believe he is still here. He has bailed me out and picked up the pieces more times than I can count. He doesn’t deserve this. He does it because he loves me. But he is tired. He works so hard to make sure we have a good home and life. He tries to make my life easier. He hopes if I am not stressed out I won’t gamble. HA! I wish.
    I’m sitting here alone, terrified. My husband comes home tomorrow and when he finds out what I have done, I can only guess what will happen. We are not actually married anymore. But he talks about getting married again. For the third time. But I am pretty sure when he gets home, I will be out on my ass. Unfortunately I have no where to go. My family is tired. They don’t want to deal with me anymore either.
    So I sit here, Counting down the hours till my world falls apart – AGAIN.
    I have spent the last 12 years trying to fix this. When I can’t fix it, I run away.
    So now all I can think about is what do I do now? I have nothing left. I have no job, no car, no money, and the one person that has tried so hard to make me happy is going to come home tomorrow and figure out what I’ve done. I really feel like I don’t have any other options at this point. The only thing that stops me is that I have tried and failed multiple times. It’s like I can’t even do that right. In the past, when everything falls apart, I would run. But can’t do that either. So I will sit here and wait to see the disappointment on his face. The yelling and screaming. And then I’ll have to walk out the door. I’ll leave the man that I love, my step-sons, my dog Harley, and my life. I don’t know where I’ll go, or how I’ll get there. But it is inevitable.
    I hope some day I can be at peace. I hope some day they can forgive me for the hell I have put them thru. And I hope that some day they will know that I never wanted to hurt them or drag them down with me. I am broken and don’t think anyone can put the pieces back together. And I can’t ask them to anymore. It has to stop.
    All I can do now is pray to GOD to give me strength.

    • Bea AikensOctober 3, 2017 at 10:54 amReplyAuthor

      Dear Tatum,
      Your story breaks my heart. You have REASONS to live – you obviously love your family ….and your dog Harley. Our pets give such unconditional love and comfort:) The fact that you’ve tried rehab before, and the power of your words, tell me that you WANT things to be different! They can be Tatum! I promise! I’ve experienced recovery for myself. And…I’ve also felt the despair of just not wanting to face it any more. Please, please…don’t give up on yourself or on LIFE!
      By now you KNOW that you have an illness and you’ve heard that it is treatable – even if treatment didn’t “work” for you before. Gambling Disorder is a “chronic disease.” Google it. You’ll see that a chronic disease “persists for a long time and generally cannot be prevented by vaccines or cured by medication, nor do they just disappear.” Please don’t give up! Just because it’s chronic, doesn’t mean that relief is not available to you. I have interviewed many compulsive gamblers; and I am one myself. I’m in long-term recovery, but I didn’t “get it” the first time. A survey I took in 2016 showed that most compulsive gamblers with 5 or more years of abstinence had relapsed 3 times before they accumulated any real “clean time.” MANY of them considered or attempted suicide.
      Thank the Lord you were “unsuccessful”…. I believe God has a greater plan for all of us. Clearly, he has a plan for you.
      Don’t give up on yourself Tatum! And don’t beat yourself up for having a chronic illness. Try treatment AGAIN! Just as you would go to the doctor if a medical condition reoccured. Be sure that you are seen by a Certified Problem Gambling Counselor. I don’t know where you live, or where you’ve gone to rehab, but pick one that is “gambling specific.” And of course, 12-step programs augment our recovery and for many, it is the only “treatment” they seek and need for continued abstinence.
      Please reach out again and let us know how you are.
      Praying for you Tatum!

  56. CateOctober 12, 2017 at 12:49 amReply

    Hi everyone,
    Since last year I have gambled a lot of money, yesterday I tried to take my life and that of my 5 years daughter coz of the bet I lost of money meant for her upkeep. Had promised God I will never do it again but I did. It’s a very devilish thing to do but I believe God will help me get away. Please pray for me. Am jobless and what I had saved is lost. The owners of gambling sites should turn back to God. Guys am from Kenya

  57. E.October 13, 2017 at 2:15 amReply

    My 25 year old husband has been a gamble addict for about 5 years now…We have tried everything. Doctors, therapists, 10 weeks spent in hospital, getting angry, showing understanding, etc. He recently started gambling again and it’s like we’re a few years back. All he does is lie and play on my emotions…just to get money (which I’m no longer giving into ..he’a gambled away over 200.000 dollars..). He’s Korean and I’m originally from Europe, but we’re both living and working in Korea. I don’t know what to do. I just want to go back to my previous life. I can’t do this any longer…but I also know I care too deeply and I’m terrified of leaving. I don’t want to to leave him by himself at the other end of the world. I know that I would think of him and would worry about him every day. His family has recently told me they are going to cut him from their lives..I really don”t know what to do.

  58. JeffOctober 18, 2017 at 1:35 pmReply

    Since 2015, I’ve been gambling larger amounts since Bitcoin has been easier to aquire. I came into about 100k from a serious injury and I started buying Bitcoin around $250. I began gambling on sports full time and it started out very well for about 3 months, making around 30k but then I began chasing losses and $100 bets went up to $10k bets. The value of money completely disappeared. Numerous times I tried to stop and just keep Bitcoin as it was constantly increasing value. I would see tremendous gains, but lose them on risky bets. I quit several times, months and even 165 days at a time, but relapsed into large bets that I had never been gambling at 10 years ago. All of the 100k is basically gone, which would have been a great starting point for retirement savings (I’m 33 and work with dogs). The worst part is the Bitcoin equivalent of what I lost is easily worth a million dollars or more to say.

    Luckily, I paid off my modest home before this spiral began and I have relatively basic expenses, but my soul has basically been crushed and I spent many long hours reading on suicide and wishing there was a way. I’m consumed many days by thoughts of “what’s the point”. 100k$ is a good amount of real money but the lost opportunity of not just letting my money sit on Bitcoin as it’s gone from $250 to $5600 is also a real stinger.

    I have constantly made good savings plans, saving like 75% of my income, only to relapse and bet a years savings on one bet. At this point the only win that would mean anything would be getting back to $100k and it’s just highly improbable of turning 10k back into that 100k.

    I just look back and wish I didn’t have all this joy sucked out of me and it makes me silly to think it’s gonna take 8 years to save up 100k again, and who knows what other issues I will have. Although I love my work with dogs, it’s physically very hard and there isn’t a lot of money in it. I know I’m one injury or physical problem away from not having an income.

    I try to rationalize it as a bad business decision or just a risky choice, but it’s still so defeating. I 100% know it could be worse, as in I could be in debt to someone or have a mortgage, but it’s really all relatively. I feel like I wasted by UofMichigan education, spent 10 years wasting $5k a year on weed, and blew $100k+ on gambling (probably more like $150k since my college days). I’ve read about the difficulties of managing receiving a large than normal sum of money, but all of my “learning) has taken place after the fact. I would do anything to go back and just sit on the money I had saved and received, even just in safe 3% a year investments.

    It is only money and the truth is I didn’t live any different when I had $100k cash in my safe, but maybe that’s because I didn’t understand the value of experiencing life with freedom. I could have not worked or did some traveling, or helped someone out that really needed it. Instead I was reckless and uneducated about what to do with my money and I can’t ever forget about that fact.

    I have moments I enjoy at work with the dogs and maybe some moments out on my motorcycle with my dad but I don’t imagine or expect my life to ever be fulfilling again. I expect to live the daily grind until my parents pass in 20 to 30 years, and then I can’t imagine I’ll really have much to live for in my 50s. I’m sure there will be either a point in the next few decades where something comes into my life that shows I’m worth being around, or I’ll realize that life just isn’t worth the fight anymore. I tend to view suicide as brave, instead of the taboo selfish way that most people against suicide label it as. I’m pro-suicide, as in I think since we as a civilized culture have the means to end our lives without pain, that we should have the free will to make that decision. I have guns but the thought of my brain stem exploding is not really how I want to go out.

    My advice to anyone out there is to never think about starting to gambling in any form. If you ever get a thought that you can make money or win gambling, you have a problem. The only way you’ll win in gambling is if you have money or investors and start a sports book. The house always takes a cut, even on winning bets. Human psychology and the chemical reactions associated with gambling also lead to more losing. A big win might give you a big high, but you’ll be overcome by a smaller loss and the want/need to win again. Once your amounts start to increase, you’ll start to lose the comprehension of the value of money and you’ll never get a rush from winning a $100 bet when you’ve bet $5000 previously, even if you have a great streak and win 5 straight $100 bets. I remember being up $10000+ for a week and even having 5 of 6+days in a row of winning, only to have one losing day set off a terrible chasing spiral.

    I write all this in the hopes of saving one person from becoming the soul-sucked zombie I’ve become. No one should feel as empty as I do because of gambling and no one should constantly be consumed by the pursuit of money. I remember a time where I had to borrow money for daily things, but I wasn’t gambling and I still felt good about myself and had pride. Now, I still can save and invest over $1000 a month usually but I feel completely dead with no sense of pride. Usually when I get to 5k or 10k, it’s usually thoughts of how if I could just pick 3 or 4 games in a row that I could turn 10k into 80or100k. It’s such a powerful delusion of the mind. If I can save one person from not starting to gamble and not have their time transformed to thoughts death, then let me know, I’d love to talk.

    To anyone like me, that maybe found this page to see if there are others who have lost six figures (and are below average income earners), just know that there are. I was doing a million dollars of volume betting in a month. There are a lot of us that have lost large sums and if you’re not stealing, lying, or in debt then it should be a warning sign that the bottom hasn’t been reached and the only way things will improve is by stopping all gambling. The systems, the numbers, the tracking, the winning days are all alluring but it is all like the start to a roller coaster–the part where you’re being pulled up hill–but then that coaster always reaches a peak and then it’s all downhill from there. There will be many hard days, shitty, lonely, boring, depressing days but gambling will just bring darker thoughts and even darker days.

    • ChrisNovember 15, 2017 at 1:17 pmReply


      Your story is very powerful but you have good insight into your problem. The opportunity cost of money lost to gambling is something that plays over in my mind when I hit the pillow at night. I would estimate I’ve lost around $2m since I was 18 (I am 40 now). I used to be a lawyer and had assets of >$5m but that has all been taken away from me due to my addiction. The depression I get once I lose money is crippling. I can’t work or even really interact with anyone else.

      I too feel already dead have also become pro suicide. I used to consider it a cheaters way out of life but I have read much on the topic and understand it better. It is an individual choice and for me, because I am such a burden on people around me and I have tried and failed to treat my problem, there is going to be a continuing problem so suicide is a reasonable response to ease future pain and suffering.

      Gambling is a horrible disease and in Australia, where I live, it is endemic. NSW has the largest number of poker machines per capita in the world. It is literally in your face every where you go. The Government is addicted to the tax revenues generated from gambling so nothing with change. The majority of these revenues comes from problem gamblers. Casinos and clubs will use every resource available to ensure you lose your last dollar.

      Gambling is seen as something sexy and the industry purports a myth that people can win. Did you ever see James Bond lose at a casino? The truth is quite the opposite.

    • MaryDecember 25, 2017 at 6:54 pmReply

      Thankyou Jeff,
      Your story has helped me to have better understanding the dark thoughts went through someone who has gambling problem.

      I have a sibling who has been gambling for 5~6 years, she has wiped out my elderly mother’s saving & house. She had a time, didn’t want to work and claimed that gambling made more money for her!

      To date, She probably has lost $500K, and $60K in debt, every month she asks to borrow money from friends and family, only now less and less people willing to help her, because they now know that she couldn’t repay the money.

      I have become the main source of her financial support around $1000 a month for her basic living.

      However, when I asked her to sign a ‘self-exclusion’ from the casino, she blew up with anger. When I suggested her go to GA meetings, she refused to go.

      There have been numerous occasions, she threaded to suicide.

      It is devastation to our family. How can we get her to get help?

      • JeffJanuary 14, 2018 at 7:10 amReply

        Hi Mary, self-exclusion is the best thing to do , but it is certainly a difficult thing to do because of the power of the addiction. I’m still struggling myself and have had a couple very costly relapses. I’m not really sure why I haven’t excluded myself but it tells me that I’m still holding on to the thought of winning, which is a sick feeling.

        I don’t think you can really help someone else out with this type of problem until they really want to help themselves. Maybe it’s time that you remove her financial support that she is receiving from her. I know a turning point for me was when I suffered huge losses, living on my own, I knew that there was no easy way to make the money back. I started to worry about the very basics like paying for food or keeping the heat on. It’s quite possible your sibling doesn’t think she is at the bottom because she is still able to maintain her basic living, all while gambling.

        It’s probably very hard to say “No”, but it might be the best thing for your sibling in the long run.

    • MikeApril 23, 2018 at 9:53 pmReply

      Very similar story here Jeff, other than being older (I’m 41). I pissed away a million dollars that took years to accumulate (stupid risky options bets) and could/should have had several million instead of a big fat 0. All the plans I had for charitable giving (mainly to animal shelters) have gone by the boards. I did give some money to them, but not as much as I should and going forward I have nothing. Just a couple months living expenses and have spent the past decade basically gambling, so little hope of finding something paying a living wage. I can’t leave survivors with the pain of a suicide but I certainly pray for a quick painless death to miraculously come to me some night. Well, cheers brother. This is a hell of a thing to beat.

  59. ChrisNovember 15, 2017 at 12:19 pmReply

    I am a compulsive gambler. I will do almost anything to get money to gamble. I lie to family and friends about what I need the money for. I hate myself for gambling. Even when I ‘win’ I will soon return and lose it all with interest in a short period of time. I am depressed, broke and can’t work. I was a successful lawyer but lost my license due to my gambling. When I lose I drink heavily to numb the pain and as a result I have lost my drivers license for DUI. The stress and anxiety I am under literally feels like it is killing me. I have lost the support of friends and family because I can’t stop gambling – all goodwill I had with them has been eroded by the lies and my regular need to be financially bailed out. I am suicidal and am spending a lot of time researching suicide methods. I am so ashamed of my conduct. My family is ashamed of me. No one returns my calls or seems to want anything to do with me. I am 40 never married and my girlfriend is on the verge of kicking me out of our home as I can’t contribute to the rent or anything else because I am broke. My reputation is shot. I don’t want to leave the house, all I want to do is sleep is because that feels to me to be the closest thing to death.

    I have seen therapists for 10 years and taken medication which just makes me feel sick. I have been to GA which I like but I still can’t stop gambling. It seems to be the only thing I care about. I will have to file for bankruptcy soon. I can’t seem to see any other way out apart from suicide. I am such a leech and the future just feels hopeless. The only thing that seems to ease the pain is alcohol and that is temporary and just makes life worse. Help.

  60. richard eugene tindallNovember 16, 2017 at 12:09 pmReply

    I think you are doing something that is needed. I have lost a lot of money betting on horse races.

    I think compulsive gambling leads to lies to cover up how much you have lost . It was only earlier today that I decided I would quit all forms of gambling. Horse racing was my downfall.

    A friend of mine lied to me about needing money for food and medicine. she spent it on lottery tickets.

  61. JackDecember 16, 2017 at 4:25 pmReply

    I’m now 40 and i’ve been gambling since I was 18. I live in Sydney Australia and we are a nation of gamblers. It is socially acceptable. There are more poker machines in NSW per capita than anywhere else in the world. At least one person commits suicide a day over problem gambling but the Government is addicted to the tax revenues gambling brings in. The poker machine and racing lobby is very powerful.

    Problem gambling ruins lives, not just for the gambler, but also for others around them. It makes good people do bad things. I grew up as an honest kid who studied hard and played sports hard. I went to law school and captained the local districts rugby club. I was given an allowance per week by my father while at uni which invariably went into the pokies. I knew by about 19 I couldn’t control my gambling as I couldn’t stop playing until i had lost everything but I did nothing about it. At about 21 I committed a $50K fraud against my employer but as they were family friends it was quietly dealt with and I was not even made to pay it back. It kind of just never went anywhere or even discussed with me. I was so upset with what I had done I moved to Europe to get away from gambling but despite promising myself I wold not do it when I return, I couldn’t resist.

    Gambling has cost me relationships and is the reason I have no assets, wife or children at my age despite always being popular with women. One day I would have $20K in my account and the next I would be borrowing $1K to pay rent or utilities. I knew I couldn’t raise a child with my inability to manage money but as a lawyer people trusted me and when I asked someone for $100K (the reasons for which I have forgotten) I flew interstate and blew the lot at the races the next day. That was a real comedown and the girlfriend I took certainly didn’t have a good time given my bad mood once the money was gone. I kept my gambling a secret but the girlfriends would know something was up and they move on as they want marriage and babies whereas I just wanted to punt. They knew I did punt but I kept the amounts secret. When I lost my moods were awful. I would also drink to try and dim the pain. This only made things worse. Also the lies about where I have been spending my time when i had been punting just pile up until they make no sense anymore and people just start to think you are full of BS.

    After law school I worked hard. I was a promising lawyer and everyone assumed that I was on the path to big things. I was earning several hundred thousand a year so that is understandable particularly when the amounts of my gambling was being kept a secret. I had a bookie and online accounts. I only rarely went to a casino but when I did I could sometimes go really well. It is amazing how addicts can hide their addictions – despite my income I was living week to week while everyone assumed I was flush with cash.

    BUT… then we moved offices above a betting shop and I started spending half the day in there and would only leave when all my money was gone. When I was broke I would get up for an early morning run and take cash from my girlfriends account so I would have money to gamble with that day and she is such an awesome girl so it would break my heart every time. About 5 years ago I committed a $30K fraud against my employer which I repaid before they had any knowledge but I was fired and lost my license to practice law and lost the girl as they found out through sheer luck. For tax reasons the family agricultural property had been transferred to me and I gambled the income rather than pay the mortgage on it and we nearly lost it. When it was transferred to me they had no idea I was a gambling addict. I always thought I would be able to make the payments through winnings etc but once I started i could not stop. My management of the business was awful but my brain told me I could win and sort it out.

    Since losing my licence I have worked hard to build up a business unrelated to the law but lately I just don’t care about my clients and i have been managing it badly. All I want to do is gamble and the business is now failing fast. I also owe $150K to the tax man as instead of paying my taxes I have been punting on horses, NBA, MLB, NFL, you name it. I am depressed and spend plenty of time looking at the most painless ways to commit suicide. I have insomnia and rent a shitty little place where all my peers without gambling problems are raising families and living in lovely houses working out where they send their kids to school.

    The funny thing is it is not about the amount of money I win but rather being ‘in action’. I have won $10k, $20K, $30K plenty of times in a couple of hours but it didn’t matter. I just wanted to gamble and it always ends up at zero, whether that day or the next. And the gambling hangovers are just awful.

    I have been to a psychiatrist since about 2009 and GA. They both have been good experiences but I can’t stop gambling. My gambling is pathological and not just compulsive. It has pushed away my friends and most of my family don’t want anything to do with me. No one returns my calls and I no longer get invited to events like weddings and Christmas parties and I had such a great group of mates. You know you’ve really screwed up when your family doesn’t speak to you. My current girlfriend is at her wits end and can’t understand why I don’t have money. If she kicks me out I am not sure where I would go as I have burnt so many bridges. My mother recently came into several million dollars from a property sale and I asked her for help and got a flat ‘no’. She said I would just have to go bankrupt because she said the only reason my business could be in trouble is if I was gambling. She is right. My family has always been one of tough love but when things were good for me and I had plenty of cash they were always asking for favours, money or gifts for this and that.

    I guess the moral of the story is that when you have a gambling problem it is a horrible, horrible affliction. It has cost me everything. I have sought help on many occasions but the lure of it is just so powerful. Now I am in so much emotional pain and contemplating suicide. If I can’t stop my life will never recover and I can’t have the life I want. It almost feels too late for that anyway but if I set some goals for 45 then maybe, just maybe, I can get there. I know I need to work harder on the recovery process. If not it is insanity, jail or suicide for me. I had planned the latter for today but I can’t do it with the girlfriend in the house and the failure rates if you stuff it up could just lead to worse problems (ie you become a vegetable and require 24 hour care). There is no magic wand or pill to fix my problem. It is discipline and hard work only that can overcome it. All enablers must also be cut out of my life. As I mentioned earlier gambling makes good people do bad things and I have lost the trust of many people through my lies and actions in the need to keep gambling. It’s such a shame and I feel so very ashamed of my conduct.

    • MikeApril 23, 2018 at 10:01 pmReply

      Wow, remarkable parallels to my story. Almost everything in there applies to me- the part about being early 40s and renting a crappy apartment and having destroyed relationships in particular. I too was a lawyer years ago as well.

      All I can say is- its a do-over. I am finally out of money completely, and got so sick of the gambling I’m not even trying to find ways to put more money in my options account. my life is simply a complete re-do at 41. it’s possible. Hell there are people who get cancer and die in their 30s and 40s that would love to have the chance. The only good thing about these dire financial straits is it’s going to force me to do something. might be working 80 hours a week at a convenience store, which is crazy for someone with a law degree, but I’m not sure who is going to take a chance on someone who spent the last decade making and then losing a million dollars. We can do it. Just a question of will, I hope mine is strong enough.

  62. No LuckJanuary 9, 2018 at 8:10 amReply

    I have a gambling problem. Maybe me writing that out will have a bigger affect on me. I got into gambling from my husband. Never knew or cared football until he started betting on NFL games and college football. Cheered him on, hoping we would $100. When he won, I wanted in on the action. Thinking I was going to win big money, I started betting on teams I literally knew nothing about. That was about 8 years ago. That’s how it started. Now I’m here, still doing the same shit, digging myself into a deeper hole, getting nowhere. I can’t say I live paycheck to paycheck, cause I don’t. I give my paycheck to my bookie, because I still owe them from the prior week. I’m so behind on my bills that I beg and make promises that I will pay them in the upcoming weeks. My car is about to repossessed. I owe so much of my family money but yet I keep asking to reborrow. When they ask what’s it for I tell them to pay my bills. Hate that I lie to them. I’m pretty sure they know I’m lying. Both my siblings are successful and I want that life. But I’m so deep over my head that sometimes I consider suicide. I often stare at my one year old while she’s playing, hugging me and kissing me and I just break down in to tears thinking how can I leave her and my children behind. Gambling has taken over our lives (me and my husband), we don’t go anywhere on the weekends cause we NEED to watch this football game because we have a big bet on it. My oldest daughter literally hates football. She says out loud “I hate football, I wish there wasn’t any football because we don’t go anywhere or do anything. We just watch football all day.” It’s true. It hurts me when I hear her say it, but nothing changes. I always tell her, we’re going to do something right after this. Lies. In realty what would normally happen, I would lose my bet on the game, depression sinks in and now I’m trying to think of ways to come up with the money that I just lost. So we don’t go anywhere. And it would be like that week after week. I bet money that I don’t even have. I owe my kids more than that. I’ve said I’m done gambling week after week. But I end up chasing. I betting on other sports I don’t know nothing about, as long as I’ve got some action. It was not when I actually won, but when I lost, I was like WTF was I thinking betting on something I don’t even know about? This is my first attempt of seeking help. I’m seriously done. I’m tired of giving away my paychecks . Having nothing to show for it. Can’t do anything, go anywhere, pay any bills cause of my gambling habits. Today is the day I come clean, pay whoever I owe any debts to and start fresh. Cause honestly if I continue to gamble, the more I think about suicide as a way out. It’s only talk now…but we’ll see how things go.

  63. yuJanuary 10, 2018 at 3:03 pmReply

    I am an immigrant from China to USA. I feel more isolated with the language barrier, I am the only one of my family here with no family member to talk about gambling problem, I have thoughts of suicide almost every day. I think the following books helps me a great deal. life is a journey with so many possibilities, and will not be always smooth. Please read the book below, it surely helped me.
    Man’s Search for Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl chronicling his experiences as an Auschwitz concentration camp inmate during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose in life to feel positively about, and then immersively imagining that outcome.

  64. ClJanuary 27, 2018 at 10:19 amReply

    I am at my wits end and I have hit rock bottom. Gambling at the casino started as a harmless get away from my life. Started 12 years ago, my mother unexpectedly died, family fell apart, and betrayed by someone I loved. My stress, grief, and pain of just living got to be hard. Something literally happened too me. I checked out on life. Being in front of the machine was a distraction from my f***ed existence. I enjoy the rush and the high of a win. I have lost atleast $100k over the years. I so want me back. Financially ruined poor credit, back taxes owed, bankruptcies, and foreclosure, as result of my stupidity. I have thought long and hard about suicide. It’s my only way to escape this prison and hell I created for myself. The only reason I have not attemped is because I have a son. My family doesn’t truly know how bad things truly are for me. I have suffered in silence alone. I want this to end so badly. I have given up and there is nothing left for me to do but die.

  65. SusieJanuary 30, 2018 at 8:35 pmReply

    I am 27 years old and have won 25k, 50k and 60k in the last year and do you think I have a cent of that left? No. I am so ashamed of my gambling addiction I think about suicide everyday but the only thing that stops me is the thought of my loved ones. my mom, my dad and the people around me. I think about how none of them truly know about this disgusting addiction of mine. I hate my life so much due to gambling. It has been currently going through bankruptcy, I’ve lost all my relationships over this secret addiction bc I just push everyone away and they don’t understand why bc no one knows about this addiction. I’ve tried gamblers anonymous, counselling but I always return to gambling. The way I see it, is that suicide is the only way to be free from this addiction. I hate the thought of hurting my loved ones, but I can’t live any longer with this addiction. It will only be a matter of time I believe.

  66. BitcoinFebruary 3, 2018 at 10:21 pmReply

    I have a gambling problem and I didn’t even realise it until now. I had been in bitcoin for a long time. I had watched it grow to $200,000 with my initial $2,000. I figured it would never crash another 60% ever again so I decided to add 1x margin to my bitcoins. Unfortunately the crash did happen. I lost it all, I feel devastated. I told friends and family to invest in bitcoin and I still believe in bitcoin long term.

    I have had the following symptoms for 3 days straight. I have been shaking, sweating profusely, my heart is constantly beating really hard and I feel like throwing up all the time. I have been bragging to my friends how rich I am and now I lost it. I am lucky I have $80,000 elsewhere.

    I’ve probably had addiction to gambling my whole life. 2 years ago I had tried to start a software business that failed. I was working at the same time. The problems with my startup prevented me from being able to focus at all at my job. I was too busy thinking how my startup, which I realise now is just a huge gamble, was going to make me rich and I would get fulfilment from doing it. Needless to say I got fired from my job and my startup didn’t work out.

    Luckily around the same time bitcoin was going up so I thought I wouldn’t have to work.

    Now I have to work but I attach a huge stigma to it. How can I get over losing all that money in bitcoin and my job trying to do a startup? I got fired from my job for not showing up. I was so anxious about my ability not to perform that I simply stayed in bed all day and didn’t even call to tell them I wasn’t coming in. I felt like I couldn’t go in to work because there was no way I could work, the ideas of my startup were filling my head and I couldn’t focus at all. This got me fired on bad behavior.

    Now I need a job. I have a terrible reference. What am I suppose to do?

  67. ScottishAussieFebruary 23, 2018 at 5:15 amReply

    Hi Everyone, especially Lanie’s Sister, Bea, is that right? Thankyou so much for this site and your work 🙂

    Like Jack above from December 2017, I’m also in Sydney. I can walk out my door, and find at least 5 V. I. P rooms for pokies. Why are they V. I. P? They don’t even give free alcohol drinks? I’m not sure why I started gambling but I have ideas. I know I didn’t start gambling badly until 2009. I was 30 then. Previously I gambled $5 or so with my workmates in the pub on Fridays. In 2009, two things happened. I got a promotion at work. And I started taking an SSRI to treat my long term depression. It was either Effexor or Lexapro. Prior to 2009 I was very money concious, I had saved $16,00.00 AUD by 20, I went overseas and gave my mum $1000.00 spending money. I used to write down every dollar I spent. I had (and have) social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, PTSD (I was mugged and bashed at 15 walking home from school). But I never gambled until I was 30. Was it my pay rise or the SSRI? With my promotion I was paid monthly. I thorn gambled my whole monthly pay in 1 night. So, prior to 2009, and those meds, I was self sufficient, I paid all my bills, rent, groceries. Now, I was behind in everything. I lost my pay once in one night, I had No money for food, rent, transport. I thought of jumping off the bridge at Darling Harbour. I sound flippant atm but I was serious. I wish I did it. I need to load this before I forget or lose my thoughts. Part 2 coming

  68. ScottishAussieFebruary 23, 2018 at 5:24 amReply

    Hi Everyone, especially Lanie’s Sister, Bea, is that right? Thankyou so much for this site and your work 🙂

    Like Jack above from December 2017, I’m also in Sydney. I can walk out my door, and find at least 5 V. I. P rooms for pokies. Why are they V. I. P? They don’t even give free alcohol drinks? I’m not sure why I started gambling but I have ideas. I know I didn’t start gambling badly until 2009. I was 30 then. Previously I gambled $5 or so with my workmates in the pub on Fridays. In 2009, two things happened. I got a promotion at work. And I started taking an SSRI to treat my long term depression. It was either Effexor or Lexapro. Prior to 2009 I was very money concious, I had saved $16,000. 00AUD by 20 years old. I was so proud. My mum and dad were very poor. , I went overseas back to Scotland and gave my mum $1000.00 spending money as she had no money herself. I used to write down every dollar I spent. I had (and have) social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, PTSD (I was mugged and bashed at 15 walking home from school). But I never gambled until I was 30. Was it my pay rise or the SSRI? With my promotion I was paid monthly. I thorn gambled my whole monthly pay in 1 night. So, prior to 2009, and those meds, I was self sufficient, I paid all my bills, rent, groceries. Now, I was behind in everything. I lost my pay once in one night, I had No money for food, rent, transport. I thought of jumping off the bridge at Darling Harbour. I sound flippant atm but I was serious. I wish I did it. I need to load this before I forget or lose my thoughts. Part 2 coming. I asked my mum to borrow $50 last weekend. She made me feel like I asked for blood. My mum and dad inherited $170,000.00 between them last year. Ok that’s me trying to justify. Guys, I just stole, money from mums purse. I told myself I’ll win it back plus extra.. I, um, I. Please I must win. Please, why can’t I win. I do feel suicidal now I think k it’s all fake

  69. Stephen HMarch 6, 2018 at 5:35 amReply

    I read all these stories and even though the amounts are different but I feel the same as all you guys and am at my wits end with gambling! I am 40 years of age and no jobs or kids and just lost 800 in the bookies in about 20 minutes after losing 400 on the weekend! Please god help me!

  70. JMarch 23, 2018 at 4:04 amReply


    I have read the stories above really hope that you all found the help you needed before it was too late. I too find my self nearing the point of no return. I am from the UK, 33 out of work after suffering a mental breakdown 2 to 3 years ago which led to some obscene gambling as a way of trying to feel something. I have always knew that I had a problem when it came to gambling when I was 16 or at a pub I blew all the savings I had savings I had saved up for Xmas presents for my family about £200 which to a 16 year old student who had saved the little money he had to give something back at Xmas was huge. The jackpot was £15 and I blew everything. After that I stayed away from slot machines for over a decade without a problem. Up until my breakdown I had worked and studied and had a decent paying job that I was as good at. I had 1 sick day in 14 years now the thought of work terrifies me, not the work but more the thought of picking myself back up if I fail. I have suffered with depressionon on off my entire life and it resulted in me trying to hang my self as a teenager, I very nearly succeeded but awoke on the floor the belt I had used snapped after I passed out. Since then I found myself in and out of depression and various coping mechanisms drinking, self harming, counselling. I had always kept my depression to one side and managed to be successful in work and had promotions etc relatively young and had alway stayed away from slots but could place sports bet etc without pdoblem in fact even now I struggle to put a five pound bet on as don’t like losing. However online slots is a completely different story. After going on sick with anxiety and depression my life started to spiral out of control. On one hand I met my partner who is amazing but at same time I was sleeping for days non stop had absolutely zero energy and I was seeking attention and affirmation from anyone who would give it which was Really unfair on my partner who would don anything for me. I was paranoid of people then what innocently began as a stress realise started to becoming the problem. On video poker I lost 12k in one night and having previously never had a penny of debt, no credit cards or loans, always in the green in the bank. I was £5000 overdrawn and had maxed out 3 brand new credit cards which I soon had no income to pay off. After being bailed out by my father who having worked hard his whole life for his children used money he had saved I blew it all again in one night so after being given a lifeline I selfishly squandered it. And in truth at that time I didn’t care my head had completely gone and paranoia had overtaken and I pretty much drunk alcohol from the minute I got up through to the during my journey to work at lunchtime. I was a mess and falling apart but my partner my family and work colleagues stood by me despite the fact I did nothing to deserve the blessings I had. After a challenging recovery I decided to use this opportunity to do something I wanted to do and walked away from my very well paying job and started took a £20000 plus payout to work with an agency minimum wage job doing what I wanted to do gaining experience in a new field before starting university the following year. I was good at the job wherever I went I had great reviews and was wanted back so confidence that the new job after a years study and I would again be earning decent money and me my little family with a new addition having just arrived me and my partners first baby together things were looking good. But life being cruel that all changed in an instant when I found my partners mother passed away in her sleep. She was only in her 40s was anabsolute diamond of a lady who would do anything for anyone especially my partner who she lived for as she was a single mum and my partner an only child. Everything she did was for my partner and her grandchildren. My partner had lost her best friend her shoulder to cry on her biggest fan the best mother in la a guy could wish for and all in a heartbeat under a cloud of what ifs and why’s. I had thought she was sleeping and hadn’t noticed for a few mins until I trued to wake her to see if she needed anything. Now I had to step up and give back to a person who had supported me. And for a few months I did l, I did all i could all while dealing with my issues around sleeping and blaming myself for not being better on the night and the fact that every time someone is sleeping I now double take and my stomach drops for a second or two as I panic not again. But it didn’t last I crumbled under the pressure and depression and anxiety took hold and I never returned to work. Although I tried to do the studies but I was no longer confident no longer in the place where I knew I was awesome at this. I now had no self confidence had the daily struggle of finding my keys my wallet and then the battle to leave the car and go to class. Once again I had let everyone down especially my partner and her mother. Now back to square one I gamble everything I have and not sure what I am hoping to achieve I have debts I cannot pay I use money that isn’t mine I lie and I really cannot justify my existence and have gone through everyone and cannot find anyone that in the long run is better off with me alive. My kids are young enough to get over it, 2 don’t live with me, the baby is not even two so won’t even remember me and my partners son has his Dad. My parents may be upset but the stress and worry I cause them is eventually going to kill them. I mean they still worry about as do my siblings and all would still bail me out. My partner deserves more and can do so much better than me.

    Worst of all my lack of ability to deal with life means that even if I pick myself up from this I know I will be back at square one eventually as I have been so many times before wether gambling related or not. Want help but do not want to go down religious roots as I have little or no faith and no that even if there is a god he can’t save me only two things can solve this problem and unfortunately one involves me being something I am not and have tried to be with help countless times before and the other is suicide. So I find myself again back at square one with the irony in the fact that it depresses me that I am so selfish that so far I haven’t had the bottle to kill myself and can’t help but thinking if that belt hadn’t of snapped all those years ago everyone I love would be in far better place and my legacy would not be one of selfishness and scumbag actions with no excuse other than my lack of respect for those nearest to me. If I do manage to do the impossible I will make effort to find a career helping those with afflictions and addictions I am facing least then all the hurt I cause will go to some good. All I want is to be able to enjoy things like other people have the self control to gamble for fund rather than self destruction. I have come to the conclusion that my brain wants me to destroy everything to the point where I literally have nothing and no one so that I will get on with removing myself. I no longer fear death i would welcome it, I fear living with this and all the things that I have done and what I am yet to do. Sorry to be reading from the family members who have seen suicide as their only option, I can assure you they have taken your feelings and pain into account and their skewed perception of themselves has led to them seeing that their loved ones will be better off without them no matter what anyone tells them. Take care J

  71. visarinoApril 5, 2018 at 6:23 amReply

    am done i have nothing -0 time to jump from the bridge!! i need strength within one more time please i did 10 years ago when i stooped gambling gone through divorce recently and bang in 2 month all my life is shattered the only thing keep me alive is love for my kids.

  72. JJApril 28, 2018 at 8:01 amReply

    Hello gamblers. My love jumped from an 18-story building about 4 months ago, leaving me and my preschooler alone in the world. I had no childcare the day when the police came to my door, so I had to take my child to the morgue to see his body. I cannot tell you how horrible it is to see the remains of your loved one pulled out of a drawer, and to bring your child into that room. Only his hair was the same.

    If you are feeling suicidal, please just *drop your stupid pride* and reach out for help. You cannot beat this yourself. Just please, get over yourself and do what you need to do to stop this from destroying you. Giving your loved ones the pain of your suicide and leaving them alone in the world does not make things any better. Please, just go get help. Your loved ones will still love you even if they know the extent of your problems. Let them in and let them help you and be there for you.

    Even if you’re gone, the bills and the debt collectors still keep coming to the door of your loved ones. If you die, they will find out anyway. And then it is your loved ones who have to clean up your financial mess and deal with the nuisance lawsuits and so forth that keep coming. The stress of your sudden funeral, having to decide what to tell people, coordinating with others, raising children alone, etc. is what you will stick your loved ones with if you decide you are going to commit suicide.

    I have cried every day for four months, not because of the debts, but because the man who was supposed to protect us and whom we loved has left us. I miss him every moment. Other people must think I’ve gone crazy. I do feel crazy. Please don’t do that to the people you love. Even if you are feeling totally hopeless, you can hold on another day. Nothing is insurmountable. You can overcome problems with the help of the people who love you. Don’t keep it to yourself.

    I hope this causes at least one person to reconsider suicide. Tonight I go to bed again in tears.

    Please hang on for one more day, admit that if you could solve this yourself, you would have already, and get help. Please get help.

    This fell on my boyfriend’s deaf ears. I hope you will hear me.

    Sending all the gamblers love and support.

  73. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 6:06 amReply

    I believe I will start using this site. I live in the US. I crossed the invisible line into addiction when I was laid off a little over 3 years ago at company I had worked at for 17 years. I had access to my retirement. Three years later I’m completely broke, devastated, and completely in debt with payday lenders, tax lien and 400 credit score. I have had three jobs and I feel I am about to lose my current job. I burden my mother with my financial problem and addiction. I have gone to pawn shops to look at purchasing a gun but I think I would break my mom’s and siblings hearts. I am not going to take my life but the depression is a struggle everyday. My current home is in shambles and my central air is about to break down which has estimated 13k replacement cost. I have not paid property tax on my home in several years and I got loans shark and property tax liens on my home in addition to IRS tax lien so I am stuck. My mother wants me to move in with her but I do not care for that part of the country. It is very damp and cold. Crazy thing is I have constant thoughts of moving from Texas to Las Vegas. My situation is so dire I feel I just need to walk away from this “total” wreck like when insurance claim adjuster looks at a car

  74. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 6:10 amReply

    Today is Sunday and I feel a little better sharing my thoughts. I did not go to casino this weekend and I have few hundred dollars to last until next payday. I’m still preoccupied with losing my job and do not know what I will do with resources exhausted.

  75. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 6:14 amReply

    This illness is about getting through each day and trying to enjoy what little is left in your life. It is a sunny day today so I may clean and go to the park and get sorted out. I have thoughts of going to casino but that usually ends up in a crises and I need 300 dollars until my next paycheck. I have been going to GA for couple of years but does not really help.

  76. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 6:21 amReply

    I figure I have 2 more paydays left until I get fired. I get all these complex assignments at work but I find it hard to complete because my lead constantly criticizes everything I do and reports me to management everyday. This has been a constant the last 3 mos in my new job. It so frustrating. I have new deadline pending after extensions and she is all over my back again. Funny thing is she never assist in the beginning so I feel she is setting me up failure. So frustrating. That everything thing else I’m dealing with.

  77. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 6:23 amReply

    I stopped taking vacations because I figure I will need my vacation pay when I get fired.

  78. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 6:35 amReply

    I’m glad I did not go to casino this weekend. Im usually hung over and broke after I go. I have money for groceries and I feel I can make to next payday without a crises. I also I have energy to go out and exercise. I’m still convinced I’m going to get fired soon

  79. CMHApril 29, 2018 at 7:22 pmReply

    I have big meeting with the future of my job tomorrow. Im really angry because I feel I’m going to get fired for no fault of my own. The only thing is I have exhausted all my resources because of gambling. It is very scary the future I face

  80. MikeApril 30, 2018 at 10:33 pmReply

    Hello JJ,

    Very sorry to hear about this. I’m sure he wasn’t even in a frame of mind to think about others, unfortunately. I’ve found myself in the same position a few times.

    I hope the bill collectors treat you reasonably. Very sad to have that added to everything. I know it would be very difficult for my mother and sister if I died so that has kept me going. Every day is difficult, in some ways I think it’s going to get better as I am literally almost penniless and that will force me to make some changes.

    Best of luck to you- and again, so sorry.

  81. MikeMay 2, 2018 at 9:42 amReply

    Not sure anybody will even see this, which is probably for the best. I have been taking stock of things the past week. And its remarkable what a mess I made.

    Early 40s, and gambled away literally every last cent of an options account that at one point peaked out at $1 million on the nose. This was several years ago. So I could have gone to the beach for several years, and just plowed that thing in the market index fund, and had $1.5-2 million or so. Instead, it is quite literally 0 and I’m stuck in the mud. I’m haunted constantly by thoughts of the good I could have done with that money, and given how many years I wasted doing this I’m concerned about how Ill ever be able to hold down a conventional job or even build normal relationships.

    I justified it before because I was making money for a while, and I called it “trading” rather than gambling. Now I have nothing to show for it and can’t see a path forward at this point. The only hope I’m holding on to is:

    1) For the most part, I just hurt myself. I was able to help others financially at times, though I wish I had done more instead of vaporizing the money. Now I have to tell these people what happened and explain that I’m broke. Still, I would rather be in this position than have done something malicious that hurt others, or even an accident like a car accident that killed someone.

    2) I know people who have done the same thing, or very similar. Several of them were able to turn it around and create lives they can be proud of. They may not have any money, but they dedicate themselves to some sort of work that helps others, and are kind to others. For them, the period of self-hate eventually ended and they moved on. So I’m at least a little bit hopeful.

    Good luck all in beating this insidious problem. It’s really a bear.

  82. MikeMay 21, 2018 at 10:24 amReply

    Good job CMH! You’re doing it day by day, which is all you can do. I’m finally nearing the end. It’s too much for me to look back at the mistakes and have to relive them constantly when people want to know what happened, and what I’ve done with my life. There’s simply no excuse for being in this position in my 40s solely through my bad choices. Its one thing to have bad luck, or have circumstances beyond your control, but to destroy my own life is simply too much for me. I will be completely out of money and maxed out on credit cards soon as well, and so mentally broken that I see no hope to ever make enough money to even pay the bills. Just can’t function at a high enough level.

  83. Elias ChristofiJune 16, 2018 at 10:47 pmReply

    To all of you here, I was at a suicidal point because of my own addiction until I got an inspiration to go a chapel of our Lady at medjugorje in Bosnia and Herzegovina, please try this before if you are thinking of taking your life, a few years later am a new man and GOD has turned my life completely around,and am the happiest I EVER BEEN I beg you to look at this, as I know how you feel right now and there is truly a WAY OUT I PROMISE .
    A brother

  84. Rod CorreaJune 18, 2018 at 8:27 amReply

    I am a gambling disorder counselor at a non-profit addiction organization in Westchester County, NY.
    The problem I’m encountering is despite the addiction, disordered gambler do not seek treatment until there is a crisis; legal problems; the threat of losing the family or job; financial devastation.
    The compulsive gambler does not have to live with this problem. The word has to get out that treatment is available.
    Look for help it is available.

    • Bea AikensJune 19, 2018 at 4:30 pmReplyAuthor

      You are so right Rod! If we don’t talk about it, we can’t shine a light on a treatable mental illness. That’s why Lanie’s Hope “advocates for social change.” We will keep on advocating! Thank you for the work you do!

  85. ManinderJune 26, 2018 at 3:34 amReply

    please help me leaving gambling addiction.

  86. MikeJuly 5, 2018 at 9:37 amReply

    I hear you Rod. I think it’s the humiliation of explaining it to others. Some of us are in our 40s or older and have lost over a million dollars and have negative net worth, and also bad job prospects due to gaps in resumes which are often caused by the addiction. It feels too late and too hard to fix. Thus the high rates of suicide.

    I have finally given up too- even though I am convinced I have beaten the addiction, and won’t gamble in the future, it’s too late. Threw my life away. I don’t know how people go on when they completely destroy their own lives. I went on a cemetery tour recently and there was a cluster of 4 graves together- three family members were killed ad a fourth died almost immediately after of a broken heart. They were killed by their own relative- brother to 1, cousin to the 2 others, who was driving far too fast. The driver served 4 years in jail and has gone on to live a productive life. Intellectually I know this should be harder to overcome than what I did, but just can’t seem to get it together. Continue to pray for death every night but it seems that is actually too easy for me, I don’t deserve a peaceful death.

    • JOHN GENTILESeptember 4, 2018 at 10:29 amReply

      mike call me 917892-8244

      • MikeJanuary 1, 2019 at 11:56 amReply

        Hello John,

        I’m still alive and kicking. Too difficult to talk about on the phone now but I’m trying my best. First step is negotiating something with the IRS, I have an accountant working on it. After that, who knows? But still fighting- and not making any more bets.

  87. IdiotAugust 16, 2018 at 5:32 amReply

    I am 25 year old male from south- eastern Europe. I tried to kill myself 3 times this year. The first time was on January 3rd when I unsucessfuly tried to cut my wrists. Second time was in the middle of May when I tried to hang myself but I panicked in the last moment and changed my mind. The third time was before 1 month when I tried to mix some over the counter drugs but nothing really happened if you don’t count the puking and the sickness. I failed at my life and I can’t even kill myself properly. I blame this on hope. Tomorrow will be better, the next paycheck will go for food and bills and clothes, I wont go to the loan sharks etc. The truth is this. I am in 13 000 Euros in debt to loan sharks, credits , credit cards and ex friends. My paycheck is 300 Euros and I work as a support staff in a bank. My addiction is gambling particularly roulette. Last year my girlfriend left me, all my friends left me , I quit my old job because everybody found out about my addiction. In February and in June my family ( they don’t have enough money for a living too) managed somehow to close 2 credit cards and for 1 month everything was ok. I lied to them about the size of my debt and they think that from this point we could only get better. But right now as I write this, I am waiting for debt collectors and loan Sharks to start ringing my phone and eventually come by my house. I have time til Saturday to come up with 3 000 Euros which is equivalent of impossible. I feel like s**t because my mother and father got sick because of me. I have a youger sister and it breaks my heart when I see her eyes. Instead of helping and providing for my family, I keep pushing myself in a hole and with me are coming the three most honest and innocent people I know. My mother father and sister. I think they will be better without me . I think that I’m going to find a way till tonight to finish this. It’s 2 pm now I am sitting at work and writing this and I’m looking for a good way to finish this sad life. I don’t feel even willing to do something to get better because I feel too tired. For years everyday is a misery especially here in the balkan state(s). For years I suffer, fake smiles and fake happiness . I want to be strong, to fight my addictions to fight this deppresion , but Saturday is too close and I am out of options. Im too tired of this bull***t life and the constant torture that I do to myself and to everybody around me that I keep hurting. I’m not affraid of dying. I just want to be over. Eternal darkness. Maybe in the next life if there is one , I will do better. To all of you other addicted gamblers who are going to try to kill yourselves over financional debts…be sure that you are OUT of options before you do it. I know I am. Thank you for reading.

    • Bea AikensAugust 17, 2018 at 12:00 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Fellow Gambler..take my hand. I understand. I really do understand the hopelessness you express…and it breaks my heart. I also know that there IS a way out besides the permanent “solution” to a temporary problem. Suicide is not the answer. You have expressed such love and caring for your parents and your sister. Your family will suffer all the more in losing you. I know this, as I founded Lanie’s Hope in memory of my sister Lanie who took her own life due to gambling. Please, reach out for help. Counseling, treatment and mutual aid/12 Step Groups work! Once you get away from the gambling, you will be able to focus better on the challenges you are facing and realize that they’re not as big as the value of your LIFE or the LOVE you share with your family. You are in the grip of a progressive mental illness that requires help, not judgment. We gamblers can be hardest on ourselves. Please reach out and let us know you’re OK. In the states there is a 24-hour hotline for suicide prevention AND one for Gambling Addiction Help. I’ll give you those numbers, but if they don’t work in the Balkans, please seek out helplines there. GAMBLING HELP 1-800-522-4700. SUCIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE 1-800-273-8255.
      GOD BLESS YOU and please, please, please reach out for help. It’s obvious that you are important to your family and they LOVE you. Don’t do this to them or yourself. With love,

  88. RichAugust 31, 2018 at 3:44 pmReply

    I too am like the dozens of stories I have read today. These large corporations are the only people making money. We as a group, get sucked into this mindset of gambling is fun, you’ll win every time you show up. There are some people that go into a casino and do have fun, but there is that dark side. It’s when people like us, people telling their truth, walk in and know they will lose. We know we will lose, sometimes win but always give it back. It’s just another day in the life of a “Regular”. Its more depressing than most people can begin to fathom. You show up every day, saying you’re not going today but somehow end up in the parking lot. Sometimes staring at free play flyers, other times at a coupon the casino sent. You know deep down getting out of that car and walking in, you’re about to risk everything you have plus everything that’s plastic. It should be illegal. Gambling should be outlawed. These companies are no different than the drug companies passing out pills. Its disgusting and quite honestly should be banned.

  89. RandySeptember 5, 2018 at 3:02 pmReply

    I just wanted to say thank you. My name is Randy and I’m a compulsive gambler. Not sure how I got to this place or why. But I’m almost 39 years old and have lost 350K+ to gambling. I just came back from a European vacation with a dear friend. After 10 days of traveling and being near casinos (which I didn’t go into), I spent my last night losing 12k, winning it all back and then throwing it back along with another 8K. Vacation ruined and finances in turmoil. I’m now gutted and fighting depression hard. Suicidal thoughts brought me to google and got me to this site. I don’t want to die but I’m scared to live a life where I keep relapsing. I’ve tried so many times only to relapse again. The embarrassment and guilt is so much to bear. I could own a house with that money? Instead I sit here in my hotel room crying wondering if I would die if I jumped off the balcony or simply injure myself. I pray for better days and a life without this compulsion…

  90. DJOctober 11, 2018 at 3:14 pmReply


    • Bea AikensOctober 15, 2018 at 1:25 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear DJ, You are NOT alone! As you can read from the many people who have posted on this site, they too have felt sad and tired and hopeless….AND…they have endured and many are in the process of recovering from the insidious disease of Gambling Disorder. I say “in the process” because it is a chronic disorder and a permanent condition. The disorder is a “permanent condition” but the way you feel right now does not have to be. I promise! I felt this way too before I began my recovery walk. Life seemed hopeless back then. Thankfully, I reached out for recovery. I finally TOLD someone of my struggle. I was embarrassed and ashamed and sad…but when I entered the 12-steps of recovery and got therapy, I realized that I was not alone and that these folks were actually HAPPY. At that time I couldn’t begin to imagine being truly “happy”…I just wanted to stop feeling such emotional devastation.
      Today I AM happy! And I am blessed to know many folks who have similar stories…from hopeless to hopeful. From worthless to value. It CAN happen to you DJ. Please take the first step in YOUR recovery journey. Pick up the phone and call the Gamblers Helpline at 1-800-522-4700.
      God Bless you DJ!

  91. Chris Tyrus ParlowOctober 18, 2018 at 10:37 pmReply

    Just over 9 years ago I wanted to die as a result of a diagnosed pathological gambling addiction.
    Like others have shared this illness will lead you to sacrifice your life to avoid stigma & consequences of revealing secrets you’d rather take to your grave with you than share. Grateful to believe this illness will stay in remission for the rest of my life provided I utilize all the resources necessary to not place another bet, or take a chance on winning something of value where the outcome is uncertain. The carnage of this illness is laid to grave all over the world. One day I hope those of us who die by suicide will rest in peace knowing that they didn’t die alone or in vain because we never forgot about them, or the torment that resulted in death.

  92. FabNovember 26, 2018 at 4:39 pmReply

    I’m a 25 year old that can’t find a way out of gambling … i just keep hurting the people around me that love me my future wife my family and my close friends … every one has tried to help me since the age of 18 I’ve been a gambler in debt many times with people hello g me out to clear my problems but now I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve the highest peek of my gambling and money owed I’m 25 years old and owe 40-50k on the street I owe my family 50k and I owe credit cards and banks 10k.. I’m in debt of over 100k at the age of 25 and I’m just fed up and wanna end this life

    • GtuDecember 20, 2018 at 12:31 amReply

      Same here no way out of this shit

    • AaronJanuary 1, 2019 at 4:15 pmReply

      What a depressing start to a new year and the 1st of Jan hasn’t even finished yet! I’m a year 44 male from the UK who should be enjoying life, but in reality I find myself In the darkest place I’ve ever been after just gambling away my very last penny tonight.

      I’m so angry with myself right NOW. My gambling is out of control and I can’t see no other way out!!!! The thoughts I am having are strongest I’ve ever had and I really wouldn’t be posting on here tonight if I wasn’t such a coward in trying to end it all.

      I nolonger have any friends to turn too not a single one!!!! and haven’t spoken most of my family in years after shutting them out of my life. My addiction has turned me into a monster and I really don’t like the person I have become.

      No one has I clue why I’ve turned out this way! if only they knew of the demons I have to deal with. I guess when I finally grow a pair and end the misery, they’ll find out the real truth about this poor excuse of a man I am.

      Until then Payday is 30 days away it gonna be a real struggle
      I’m just hope I’m around to see it??? Or maybe I don’t ?

      • MikeJanuary 15, 2019 at 9:31 amReply

        I feel you Aaron. Exact same here. I have no idea how to go on. I’m a couple years younger than you, but otherwise very similar. Early 40s, not just being flat broke which is acceptable (except the mechanics of day to day living) but how to reconcile the wasted years and wasted money? The only thing I can think is for us to somehow put something good into the world to offset it. Not sure what, or how.

  93. 1973January 7, 2019 at 12:58 pmReply

    Shay what you are describing is how we ALL feel and have done over and over again. Gambling addiction gets to the point where you dont even want to do it but you’re chasing your money to pay bills only to put more in and as you stated even WHEN we do win we put it ALL back in.Its a vicious cycle. I moved to Las Vegas 4 years ago and had visited many times and never gambled.Then I finally broke up from a 20 year relationship and found gambling to be a distraction at 1st.Of course they lured me in with “free play” and I continued to go once or twice a week then it became my social time as well and started going more and more until it turned into a daily occurrence. Now a year and half later and 300k lost and having to move my family out of state because of it, I’m still gambling. Unfortunately I still fly to Vegas for business and theres a casino an hour n a half away from the new state I moved to.All I can say is I’ve NEVER had any addictions but this gambling is NO JOKE!! I hope you have recovered since your message. It’s like you in a daze when you’re gambling and the consequences are real until you have no more money left and now you can’t pay your Bill’s, then you panic but then relive the cycle again..I hope each of us can get the help we need and find what void we are trying to feel in the 1st place..Im going to have to force myself to tell my dad my true situation today as I finally realize I cant help myself.

  94. Janet A BeelerJanuary 22, 2019 at 11:24 amReply

    My name is Janet and I’m 54 years old.I’m not sure how my story will end. After years and years of gambling addiction,2 bankruptcies,payday loans,bad credit,lies,etc,something happened 5 days ago. I need to tell you that I’ve been married for 33 years and believe me when I say that my husband is not the most supportive partner.Everything else comes first and I’m left to fend for myself emotionally.He makes me solve every problem and puts enormous pressures on me even though I tell him I can’t handle it anymore.Whenever ANYTHING goes wrong,I’m too blame.He’s taught our two children,Sandy age 33 and Alex age 30,to do the same.It’s a sick cycle! My husband and daughter are also problem drinkers.Oh,and my husband is a cross dresser and this has caused conflict.Everyday I wake up in tears.Yes,I’m on anti-depressants.The past 2 weeks,my addiction went full blown.I even took out 2 on line payday loans in my husband’s name and lost that as well. I work 5 days a week,maybe 2 hours a day as a janitor in a bar. The work is almost too hard for me. Last Friday,after blowing through another 3-400 dollars,I forced myself to get up and walk into the ladies room.What I saw in the mirror scared me.I looked so tired! I was actually dizzy.I still had 20 bucks on me but I made myself walk out of that place.I vowed to myself that I would never return.As I walked home,so many emotions went through me.My head was swimming! I also think of suicide a lot and it’s not just because of my gambling. The urge,after all of this time and hell,was gone. The thought of going back to the casino makes me sick.Here I am today pretty much broke.The first payments from the on line loans will be taken out of my husband’s check on Friday.Behind on all bills as usual. It makes me sick! But what I learned is that I need to care about myself.When my husband finds out,it will hit the fan.And you know what? Good! It’ll either make or break us but I will NEVER again lie to cover up my mistakes.I’m sick.It’s a sickness and we may never know why it happened to us.But there has to be hope for us! The massive debt? Not sure how to deal with that yet but I will deal with it. Not sure how my family will react to this but I’M going to speak up for once and tell them the truth.They know I have a gambling problem but they don’t know how bad it is. And once again,I don’t care about their judgements of me anymore. I have loved them all unconditionally and stood by our daughter through various problems due to her drinking.I’ve stood by my husband through thick and thin as well.If this accounts for nothing,then they never really loved me much in the first place.My low self esteem is what started this addiction years ago.As I said,I don’t know how my story will end or even what the next chapter will be but I know one thing for certain,gambling will not be a part of it! Only trying to clean up the aftermath of it will remain. I would love to hear from any of [email protected]. Maybe we can lean on each other and build ourselves up.The world and people around us will tear us down,so let’s help ourselves and each other.

  95. Me TooFebruary 2, 2019 at 10:54 amReply

    It is amazing how we can keep going back thinking surely that machine is going to pay. I too have won 14k only to put it back in along with a few more. I took out a payday loan to bring my accounts positive and went right back and overdrew my accounts to try to win some. The casinos let you win for a couple years until they hook you. I have never been addicted to anything but this is kicking my butt. Gambling kills the pain while you are zoned out in it. Best job I ever had and I am blowing all my money.

    I had a professor once who told me you will keep falling in a hole until you see the hole, then you will start to walk around the hole, until you realize you have to start taking a different path to avoid the hole altogether. Doesn’t help my marriage is bad and he had an affair.I realized last night that I need to separate from my husband and deal with the pain. July is my goal, I need to start quietly sorting and packing. I hope I can do it. I am too old for this. Live to fight another day. We can do this. Come here and email when you’re tempted to go. Tell yourself you have to do this, so you wont have time to go do that.

  96. Danielle SmithFebruary 5, 2019 at 6:34 pmReply

    I cant anymore. I have addiction issues and I have functioned but gambling has taken me to places the normal person could never comprehend. I want this to end. I f***ing cannot face another f****ing day. I thought reading about others would help but I understand why t hey have killed themselves. I want to end this pain and my self destructive behavior permanently. I have not yet completed the task. Can I idk.

    • Bea AikensFebruary 7, 2019 at 4:20 pmReplyAuthor

      Note from Bea: I reached out to Danielle the day we received this post. She responded which gave me a reason for hope. Danielle – please do not give up on yourself. I pray that you will seek help for this insidious disease of Gambling Disorder. Seek a certified gambling counselor in your area, reach out to a 12-step group, call 1-800-522-4700. You are not alone.

  97. MikeMarch 10, 2019 at 11:57 amReply

    Pray for death every night, can’t bring myself to do it, 42, bankrupt, owe the IRS thousands. Mostly the IRS’ fault if you can believe it, though everything else is my fault.

  98. JulieMarch 10, 2019 at 1:48 pmReply

    I am 36 years old female, and I have a gambling addiction. It started about 13 years ago, and has only gotten worse. My husband and I used to go together before kids, won big a few times, and I was hooked. I have 3 daughters who have went through so much at their young age. My husband has battled addiction with pain pills for the last 8 years. It’s been a vicious cycle, he lies and causes chaos, I kick him out, and back to the casino I go to forget it all. We have both been through many hard times during our 15 years of marriage. He lost both of his parents suddenly. I watched my dad get down to skin and bones, and lost him to cancer 2 years ago. My mom is a gambling addict as well. She has never worked and my dad always took care of everything and left her in a good financial position. She has spent almost a million dollars, got both vehicles repoed due to refinancing them, has every credit card maxed out, and will probably lose her house soon. I see what it does. It has caused me to file bankruptcy 2 times, take out payday loans, stress month after month, but for some unknown reason it’s not enough to make me stop for good. I will go a month maybe and as soon as I get a little saved up, it’s gone. I went to the casino with my mom and sister last night and spent every dime I had. I won so many times, I could have been in such a different situation today. There is never enough for me to leave, and I will go home broke every time. I will be focusing on starting my journey for recovery. I googled gambling and suicide because everytime this happens, that’s how I feel. I’m not surprised, although I’m so sad for the people who this disease has affected. It turns you into a person you don’t want to be, but are left to deal with somehow.

    • Bea AikensMarch 26, 2019 at 5:33 pmReplyAuthor

      Dear Julie,
      Google Gamblers Anonymous and see if you can find meetings in your area. Or – try other 12-step meetings and counseling! If there is a Certified Problem Gambling Counselor in your area, this is a great way to get help. Some states have state-sponsored Intensive Outpatient Treatment as well. Regardless of what path you take to recovery, my experience has been that it’s difficult to recover on your own. We need the experience, strength and hope of others who have been there to help us walk the path of recovery. And intensive therapy is often a great help! God Bless you Julie and please let us know how you’re dong.

    • MikeApril 12, 2019 at 10:16 amReply

      Julie I know where you’re coming from. I am going to end up filing bankruptcy as well, after at one point having about a million dollars. Spent a third of it, gave away a sixth of it, the other 500K is straight gambling losses- and also found out my tax returns never processed due to identity fraud concerns at the IRS so I owe them thousands. The bankruptcy doesn’t even forgive the IRS debt, so not much point.

      Not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, as I have screwed up so badly and don’t deserve/want sympathy- but only to tell you, by the sound of it you’re in a better position than I am if you can just stop. I have stopped now, but it’s too late (financially anyway). But I’m going to pick up and move on. I’m moving to Asia to teach English and am going to pay every penny back to the IRS (even though it was mostly their fault the taxes never filed). I really did think seriously about suicide, but a friend’s mother has had her life destroyed by that. So I hope you’re not considering it. Most of all, I’ve found that if you apologize to people, and it’s sincere, they’ll accept it. And you can’t go to jail over debts unless you committed fraud (just not being able to pay it back is not enough). And on the positive side, I’ll be so thankful in 12 months when I hopefully am installed in a fairly low stress job and can start repaying my debt. I’ll be able to sleep at night again. And you can too! good luck!

  99. ScottMarch 31, 2019 at 2:45 pmReply

    Well compulsive gambling is a disease that never gets better only worse. I have gambled the last 35 years and millions of dollars later. 3 trips to inpatient rehab a bank robbery. I’m still not at rock bottom. I’m laying in bed right now and basically can’t move. I feel paralyzed. I do know that the only way to quit is to be committed to the 12 steps and hit a Ga meeting everyday for a long time. I’m been suicidal for a long time, but just the thought of dying and not being able to gamble detours me every time. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. If you are younger than me get help. I have to be honest reading everyone’s story makes me feel less a lone. I wish everyone the best

  100. ShaneApril 15, 2019 at 9:58 amReply

    What’s to point of it all…im left with nothing..
    .not a pent to my name and no one to support me….my parents are sadly both gone…my gf(fiancee) couldn’t take it anymore and left me…im trying to stop its tough guys…. I’m in this sick world for about 10 years…all my friends are also in the same boat….whenever I lost I turned to alcohol and drugs to comfort me…I have so much of debt nd don’t think I will be able to pay it off……I actually cry myself to sleep every night ……Please can it get some advise I have no1 else to turn to

  101. Ian AndrewsMay 4, 2019 at 3:55 amReply

    Poker machines have stolen my life. They don’t just take your possessions they destroy spirit your chance to be in a relationship your opportunity to enjoy the small thinks in life that are essential to to living a happy and contented life. Has anyone had any success in quitting if so l would like to know. At the moment my self esteem is at all time low leave no friends and little contact with family. I used to think l was reasonably intelligent but how can l not stop this form of self destruction. I see people just like me every time I’m out there and it’s strange how l feel this deep sense of empathy for them.l do have moments where l want to beat these bastards before they kill me but it’s a hard thing to talk about maybe some advice please.

  102. God of GamblerMay 26, 2019 at 10:15 pmReply

    It’s a crazy vice and in the end all we have left is regret.

  103. JaneJune 23, 2019 at 2:54 pmReply

    Hi guys iv never talked to anyone about this so I’m not really sure what I’m doing…I feel sick to my stomach. Iv ruined every singe part of my life totally destroyed. I have lost my home, my fiancée who was my rock and stood by me so many times, I can brutally honestly say I haven’t got one single friend on this whole planet and now my parents&family are done..they’ve stood by me over and over and today iv gone too far I can’t believe iv ever done this but iv stolen. Iv just listened to a tirade from my mom and this time she meant every word I saw it in her eyes the one person I love and care for more than anything on this planet telling me I’m a thief a skank a horrible person who should be in prison which is so true how can I argue? The one thing that isn’t true which really hurt me more than anything is she said how can you sit there so calmly telling me you’ve stole and lied over and over..insistent I had NO conscience and didn’t care and she knows that apparently every other gambler isn’t as bad as me and no one would ever steal, that’s not a gambling addict it’s just a criminal she told me. What she didn’t see about my “calmness” was the 8 hours I spent in the car before coming to face them, the the absolute melt down the windows in my car I smashed the slumped in a heap on the floor of the casino car park absolutely beside myself, that hurts me the most not because I want sympathy or anyone to feel sorry but because she truly believed that I didn’t care that I genuinely feel no remorse or conscience- how have I let myself turn into this? Iv destroyed myself and then financially and they really think I don’t care they can’t see the absolute dread of even having to face another second alive knowing what iv done to everyone I care more than anyone could ever know I’m just too pathetic and weak to have ever stopped…sorry for such a long post but I have no one truthfully not one single human being on this earth that I can turn to or talk to right now…entirely my own fault but I’m going out of my mind.

    • Bea AikensJune 27, 2019 at 1:06 pmReplyAuthor

      Hi Jane, I’m so glad you found this place to share your thoughts and feelings. Those of us with Gambling Disorder DO understand…truly. Your story is SO familiar. Before I share thoughts about your story, I want to first tell you that Help IS available and recovery IS possible. I don’t’ know if you’re in the US. Something in the way you wrote made me think you may be from the UK? Either way…help is available! In the states, the 24-hour helpline # is 1-800-522-4700. You will be connected with an individual who is trained in helping problem gamblers. They can help…AND…they can refer you to a treatment program or therapist in your area. Also Gamblers Anonymous or another mutual support or 12-step program makes a huge difference in avoiding the bet, getting mentally HEALTHY and rebuilding your life! I have first-hand experience here, so I’m not blowing smoke. I’m telling you that I too bashed my hand on the steering wheel (didn’t break a window, but I get you) and I stole and lied …we all do actually. We do this not because we “love money”…but because our brains have been inexplicably high-jacked and free will is GONE. This is not a cop-out; it is a fact. You have a brain disorder (Gambling Disorder) which is recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as a serious mental health issue requiring treatment…but totally TREATABLE.

      To your sharing about stealing and your mother’s position that you’re no better than a common criminal; it’s ironic that I was just at the Nevada State Conference on Problem Gambling last week and heard many great presentations, including one from Dr. Timothy Fong, Professor of Psychology at UCLA Gambling Studies. Dr. Fong shared that crimes committed by compulsive gamblers are not uncommon; in fact this is very common. NOT because these are “thieves who gamble” as the prosecutor would have us believe, but because their brains have been hijacked by a serious mental health disorder. The stealing (lying, cheating, etc) is actually a symptom of the disorder. People with severe gambling disorder run out of their own resources to get their “drug” of gambling. They are wired to gamble and the crime happens strictly because of the gambling disorder. These are folks who NEVER would have acted this way had they not had the disorder. The most impactful thing he said was that the family members of people with gambling disorder ask “How could you love me and LIE to me like this?” Dr. Fong’s comment (paraphrased) was basically that he would argue that the individual actually lies BECAUSE they love their family so much.
      I totally get that the preceding statement will be hard for anyone not intimately familiar with the disorder (either as a compulsive gambler themselves or as a professional clinician who treats them) to understand or believe. It seems like a cop out. “You love me so much that you LIE to me?!!” Yet it makes perfect sense to me. When I was in active addiction, I didn’t want my family to know how many destructive things I had done. Yes, in part because of shame, but also, because I knew of the pain and hurt it would cause them. Many of us consider suicide for this very reason; yet that is most definitely not the answer. Living on the other side of active addiction for more than 20 years, I can tell you that life gets soooo much better!
      Please, Jane, reach out to a professional and a support group for help TODAY!
      Life does and will get better…One Day at a Time.
      God Bless You,

  104. SueJuly 28, 2019 at 2:05 pmReply

    Hi Everyone, I want to start by telling all of you who are still gambling that my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I have been an addict since I was 15. I started drinking and finally felt like I belonged. Had my drinking under control for many years, but then I lost my daughter. My life turned upside down, 5 years later I pulled myself out of a bottle of vodka and into AA. Had 7 yrs under my belt and the someone took me to a casino. Had to drive 2 hrs to get to it but I did again and again. Started spending all my money at the casino. At first it was only what I could afford to lose and then I started not buying the necessary essentials. Just paying rent and bills but leaving no money for food etc… I still told myself I had this under control. Years went by and I was doing the same thing over and over, telling myself that the only entertainment I had in my life was going to the casino. Then my sister got sick and I was under so much stress I started not going to work and soon was taking payday loans to pay of payday loans. I am sure you all know the story. The last day I gambled I had $40, called in sick at work and went to the casino. Deep down inside I knew this was the end, the last time I would gamble. I had no money for rent or bills and had about 5 payday loans that needed to be paid. I knew it was either end my life or get help. I went to GA. I knew how the program worked b/c of my experience with AA. I went to meetings and made a lot of friends. I got involved, chaired meetings, helped with events and being of service. My life started to slowly change. But I was still looking for happiness. I thought I needed someone else to make me happy, a relocation or just a better life. After I go my 1 yr coin in GA I relapsed both on alcohol and gambling. My binge lasted about 3 weeks and I did some very dangerous things during that 3 weeks. On Thanksgiving day I had no more alcohol in the house and no way to get any. I started drinking rubbing alcohol with mouthwash. The next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital. Could have had brain damage, kidney/liver failure, or other problems due to drinking the rubbing alcohol. I was put in a mental health facility b/c they felt I was trying to commit suicide, maybe I was, who knows. I started seeing a therapist and she was great. Made me start looking at my life and what I wanted. But the thing that really got to me was watching all of the other people in the rehab and the nurses and doctors who were trying to help them. I was really scared to leave that facility. Wasn’t sure I was ready to handle the outside world again. I started very slowly to get my life back together. The first thing I did was to go back to GA. I was welcomed .back with open arms. (Also I had a lot of GA support when I was in the hospital.) With the help of my sponsor and GA I started doing better. I don’t know how it happened or when, but one day I just realized that it was my choice to be happy. I didn’t need someone or some thing. A few months went by, I got a new job, and life was getting better. I just turned 59 a week ago and it has been 2 yrs and 9 months since my relapse. Today when I get up I do my morning meditation and know it is going to be a good day. My life is not perfect by any means. But I now live without fear and I choose to be happy everyday. I have to say that no matter how far down you have fallen you can get back up and start again. There are people out there who love you and need you in their lives. When you fall down and start to get back up, stay on your knees and say a few prayers to whoever or whatever you believe in. Learn to love yourself again. REACH out to GA or some kind of counseling. The help is there!! You can take a loved one/friend with you, you don’t have to do it on your own. We have all been there and we know what your going through. If you’ve been to GA before, go back. Give it another try. YOU ARE WORTH IT AND DESERVE TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE!!!

    • Bea AikensJuly 30, 2019 at 4:58 pmReplyAuthor

      Hi Sue!
      How wonderful to hear that you are living the blessings of recovery! Your story is a great message of HOPE for those who are wrestling with this mental health disorder! You remind us that recovery IS possible and that life gets BETTER! One Day at a Time:)

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A Compelling and Passionate Speaker
Bea Aikens couples her personal experience with extensive knowledge of the disease of compulsive gambling to build a compelling platform for civic, community and national organizations seeking knowledge and understanding of the disease of disordered gambling. To engage Bea for your upcoming event, contact her at
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